Suprising Geeds

               

 In a takeoff of the Unknown Fratstars segment I’d like to start profiling, GDIs from surprising sources. My first subject is none other than Ryan Reynolds in the titular role of Van Wilder. Van Wilder is definitely a huge GDI, who people think is cool even though he sucks. Yea college is awesome, but don’t go for seven years you fucking lazy dumb-ass. At most you make a victory lap for a fifth year, and then do what most successful, and not retarded people do and go to grad school, that’s how you get your seven years of college without being a fucking geed master. Also being 25 and hitting on freshman at college is really cool, and not sketchy. Van Wilder deserves to be put on the National Sex Offender Registry; I guess that makes him pretty cool. Also his two friends are huge fags, one is a black kid who bleaches his hair and shit, and one works in the Obama administration. Wow, those are two cool guys that I definitely want to hang out with, might as well join up with Kenny G and Dave Matthews. Also this movie makes guys in fraternities look really shitty and like fags, which I personally take offense to. In conclusion, if you love Van Wilder, than you should rethink your life because it means you like being a lazy fuck, bleached hair, and Obama. Do you want to be associated with any of those things?

Oh by the way, he jerks a dog off

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfLPnN_YMMM

NHL Skills Competition

The annual NHL skills competition is arguably the best feature of any of the Big 4 sports' all star weekends.  It is rivaled only by the basketball skills competition.  The NHL features hardest slapshot, most accurate shot, fastest player, and etc.  However, no one can fucking watch it when it's on Versus so the only thing we can do is watch it on youtube.  And thus, I present to you some highlights of Saturday's skills competition.

Ovechkin's penalty shot goal is pretty sweet

Video of the Week

I don't know why, but I think this is absolutely hilarious. And posting this video like this is why we made the blog in the first place.

http://news.yahoo.com/video/world-15749633/gorilla-s-upright-walk-in-the-park-23997727

Tiger Woods: Always the Man

Tiger Woods hasn't won anything in a while. He hasn't won since the world found out what a playa he was. Didn't anyone ever tell all those people who were offended by Tiger's actions that they shouldn't be a playa hater. Look, Tiger Woods has been the most dominant person in our culture: He's the best at what he does by a mile, and he fucked 23 girls a night. If that doesn't make you the man I don't know what does. Sure, he was married, but that was only because Nike and Gatorade made him. They should have just kept letting Tiger be Tiger. The reason he's no good anymore at golf is because he's not being himself. Tiger, let me tell you this: you've earned it. You're not married anymore, so go fuck everything that walks again. Be the man again. Win again. Tiger Woods makes golf somewhat exciting and watchable. He's just so good, and needs to be that good again. I never once was disappointed in Tiger, until he slipped to number 3 in the world. In order for him to be number 1 again, he needs to get back into the game: the pussy game. Then he'll tear shit up again and all will be right with the world.

The Pro Bowl

Do any of you out there care about the Pro Bowl?  Personally, I never watch it.  I don't know why anyone would.  Sure it's kinda cool to see your favorite players playing other all-stars, but these guys don't care either.  There have no reason to play because every single one of them is still bitter about not making the Super Bowl.  No one wants to get injured and it's not like they have practiced together enough to run an effective offense or defense.
To me the Pro Bowl is a pretty poor excuse of an all-star game.  All other leagues have all-star games that I actually watch and fun skills competitions.  I hardly care about the NBA and I still watch that.  Many would argue that football is the greatest televised sport (I won't go into the argument now) so why does it have such a shitty all-star game?  It could approximately be one hundred times better.  The game literally means nothing.  Baseball has a good system that makes the game actually mean something.  The Pro Bowl, on the other hand, is just a filler three hours on a weekend that is otherwise without football.
What the NFL needs is a sweet combine style competition.  Put the QB's against each other for longest pass and most accurate passer.  Have the WR's run the 40 yard dash to see who's the fastest.  There are literally endless options.  This would be so awesome.  Plus, the NFL would make tons of money so there's no downside.  Until this happens, I will continue doing what I'm doing and skip the Pro Bowl this weekend.

NFL Mock Drafts

Everyone loves NFL mock drafts, they start them the day the draft ends and people are still interested. Its fucking ridiculous but awesome, the NFL draft blows all other drafts out of the water too. It is definitly the most interesting and ESPN has two fucking full-time draft experts. And yes we know ESPN has its weak points, but right fully so they love the NFL draft. Everytime there is a new mock draft from draftcountdown.com I'll make sure to post it.

See who your team picked in the first round

http://www.draftcountdown.com/sub/Mock-Draft-A.php

Girls are crazy

I wanted to share this story with anyone who may be under the delusion that females below the age of 30 are sane. My proffessor today told us that when she was in charge of managing the police reports involving students she got one that involved a girl who broke all the windows of this guys house and was screaming and banging on his door because he broke up with her on facebook. That is absurd, obviously this guy made the right move because who knows what she would have done if he tried to break up with her in person. I don't think stabbing is out of the question. So for anyone out there who thinks that they have a cool girlfriend, whose not like the rest of the girls out there, if she is younger than 30 you are wrong. Not that I am encouraging anyone to stop having girlfriends, just keep it in the back of your mind that at any moment they could turn into this.

Of course this clip is a bad example because I would let Megan Fox eat me if I could bring her home first.

Shut the Fuck Up: Sports Science

Conceptually, Sports Science is a pretty cool feature of ESPN.  Professional athletes are awesome and seeing the things they are capable of is always interesting.  The problem with Sports Science is that it always seems to be about such stupid things.  Oh, does being in cold weather do something different than warm weather to a football player's body? No way! And comparing Devin Hester to a bear? That's just a step too far.
There are many things I don't like about this bear episode.  First of all, they get a black bear.  They should get a grizzly, that would much cooler.  Second of all, why the fuck is the black bear brown?  As for the science part, they discover that the bear is indeed faster and they obviously knew that all along.  But they also say that right now, Devin Hester is faster because he's not hibernating.  What a useless piece of TV.
Another terrible Sports Science moment was the one on Dwight Freeney.  So he has a famous spin move, we all know that.  BUT! let's take a closer look shall we?  So we zoom in and slow it down and watch him spin...  He has a peak angular velocity at 500 degrees a second! Holy shit! Wait, who cares.  I'm a Dwight Freeney fan, but  this clip was just a waste of my time and a major overuse of graphics.  Though, they do reveal he can hit the QB 700 PSI higher than Drago can punch, so that's something.
All in all, Sports Science is something can could be really cool.  There are a lot of great things that could be done with it.  Instead, all they do is put up graphic after graphic.  The graphic themselves aren't even cool.  As for the host,  John Brenkus, well he's a big majd with a cool job.

Video of the Week

Randy Moss's "One Clap" video is one of the great compilation of sound bites videos following along the lines of the bed intruder. Its incredibly quotable, and appropriate in almost every situation. Its gonna be a fun ride.

Fratty Light: Helping white college students dance since Jesus

As the resounding champ of the cheap beer poll, all of us from The Alcohall would like to give a congratulations to Natural Light. Obviously, it is the prefered beer of cool collegians across the nation, and is way better than keystone, if you like keystone then get your GED and come to college, fag. Natty Light has been giving students liquid courage to launch into crazy, but most likely awesome endeavors for years, without Natty Light would you have played snow football for four hours in 15 degree temperatures? No, Would you have climbed on top of the bar and started dancing like an idiot? No. Would you get arrested for peeing in public during mardi gras? Of course not. So here is to you Natty Light for giving white kids hope to do whatever they want in the four glorious years of college. Also in your honor we are changing the layout of the bottom of the page to suit all readers, who awarded Natty Light with their favorite cheap beer. Cheers

Unknown Fratstars: Part III

            In this week’s edition of Unknown Fratstars, I’d like to profile an unlikely candidate, and for the first time a real person. Jesse Palmer, former NFL quarterback, bachelor contestant, and current ESPN commentator is definitely an unlikely fratstar. Sure, he wasn’t that good as a player, and was never a starter, but he still played in the NFL and was on a winning team in the SEC, which is very fratty. He also completely got the job at ESPN based solely on good looks. That is just an awesome thing to do, he wasn’t good at football and probably doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but the ladies love him, and that’s what matters. Also he was on the Bachelor, where he clearly banged all the contestants, and then dumped that bitch he ended up choosing cause she probably wasn’t hot enough for him. The bachelor wasn’t his only tv appearance either, he guest starred on Law and Order: SVU which everyone knows is the best fucking law and order, yea fuck you criminal intent .  The only thing that Palmer lacks is that he is Canadian, but he did go to school at Florida and now probably lives in a pent house apartment in New York City that he was only able to achieve through good looks and charm. Yes that is fratty, and plus being a backup quarterback is the fucking best, we’ve all seen how cool James Van Der Beek is in Varsity Blues.

A Simple Request

Facebook Decorum Part 2

                One of the things on facebook that annoys me the most is when anyone puts up a baby picture or a picture of them when they were young as their profile picture. First of all, no one fucking cares what you looked like as a baby, we all use facebook to look at girls pictures and this just throws us off. What makes it worse, is that it makes you feel guilty when you see this baby looking at you when all you want to see is a Halloween album. That’s not fucking cool, I want to see some baby fucking judging me. Who do they think they are? And guys doing it are also fucking gay, you can’t just find some picture of you and your friends all wearing button downs? (and if you don’t have one of those, fucking take one). Grow up Peter Pan.

Would you rather?



TV Shows that Shouldn't have been Cancelled: Pirate Master

In a world filled with reality shows, sometimes you can find a diamond in the rough.  I'm no fan of Survivor or the Amazing Race or anything like that, but one show that really caught my interest was Pirate Master.  This show not only featured big prizes in the form of gold coins but also challenged 16 random people to act and compete like pirates.
Sadly, Pirate Master did not last its whole season and the last few episodes were aired only online.  Someone along the way decided that such a cool show couldn't last weeks of poor ratings.  Fuck that noise.  The "crew" lived and worked aboard a pirate ship.  Each week they were divided into two teams- red and black.  The rival pirate teams would compete for a prize by following clues from a treasure map.  While figuring out the clues, the two teams could sabotage each other through bullshit avalanches of fake rocks and etc.  Once they did find the treasure at the X on the map, they were rewarded with gold coins.  After the challenge, a captain and two first mates were chosen to lead the crew.  So through all these shenanigans, there were just a bunch of random people pretending to be pirates.  There was a record producer, a fireman, a super model, and a scientist/Exotic dancer, among other things.  And like any good reality show, there was ample drama on the boat between just who was the most pirate-y of the crew.  Priceless.
In the end, this guy basically with no job and a band made up of his friends won it all.  He got over half a million dollars and now can just dick around with the title of Pirate Master.  It's safe to say that any of us wouldn't mind such a life.

The Eternal Question

Tonight the poll question will really be put to the test.  Outfitted with cases of Fratty Lite, Beer 30, and Keystone, we're ready to test which beer is consumed most by the end of the night.  Stay tuned for the results.

BREAKING NEWS: In a shocking turn of events, the results ended up the opposite of the poll.  All Keystones were consumed and more Beer 30 was chosen than Fratty Lite.  What does this mean?  Good question

Fuck the Steelers

Waiting in Line

Obviously waiting in line is a miserable thing.  No one likes waiting in line, no matter where it is.  Wasting time is never a good.  But the worst thing about waiting in line is overhearing the conversations of the people in front or behind you.
On almost every occasion, these people will not be discussing something you want to hear.  I'd say 90% of the time they are talking about something stupid or obnoxious.  It's pretty much guaranteed it has no relevance to you.  But worse, it's usually something that just gets on your nerves.  One notable gem from recent line memory was this guy and girl behind me talking about TV and movies.  The girl tells the guy, "You know I don't watch the Chappelle Show, it's a comedy."  WHAT?  Who could stand talking to someone who's taste in things excludes comedies?  God damn.  And I don't want to make the guy out to be any better.  He was a huge majd.  When the girl asked what Disney movie featured an Egyptian prince, he answered, "Oh, The Emperor's New Groove." Obviously not.  It's clearly the fucking Prince of Egypt and The Emperor's New Groove is a hilarious movie that should never be mistaken. They went on to discuss many more things too horribly stupid to mention.
This is just one example of the kind of conversations you're likely to hear in line.  Besides having to deal with ugly, smelly people, we also have to put up with their stupidness.  I could do without that.  But sadly, it's unavoidable.  On very rare occasions you'll actually overhear something interesting like a discussion of the montages in Rocky 4.  These are the kind of moments that allow you to put up with all other terrible times in line.

Awesome Musician

Deacon earlier asked us all to try and think of a muscial artist that we would like to hang out with. He seemed skeptical that there were any. And while it is true that most of the people I love to listen to would probably not be great to hang out with, there is one glaring exception and his name is Alan Jackson. I know this choice will immediatly bring out all of you closed minded country haters, but hear me out. Country music is essentially just guys playing a catchy tune while someone sings about life. Its awesome, if your feeling sad and you listen to country you feel better. And if you want to party, there's no type of music that talks about frattier ways of partying than country. Watch this video and try to tell me you wouldn't spend all day with Alan Jackson.

Stupid Places We've Been

If you didn't know at this point everyone who writes on this blog is really smart and remarkably well traveled. This post we regard one of the places I visited recently, its called the University of Delaware and it blows. I went there with the intentions of visiting a friend-of-the-blog who'll remain unamed. What I found was a place full of ignorant, short sided, and fat students. I was fortunate enough to be visiting while Delaware was playing for the championship football game in whatever league Delaware is in. It turns out no one in Delware knows anything about football and all they could manage to talk about in relation to their school was Joe Biden, who is a huge majd. While that was annoying I cut them some slack because who cares about non-major college football anyway? What really ticked me off about Delaware was when we went to a 'party' which consisted of 20 ugly people not dancing in a room about the same size as a one car garage. Me and other friends-of-the-blog tried to get the party started by dancing and shouting and making a rucus, which is essential for any cool party. What happened next was pretty pathetic. A kid who apparently lived in the apartment came over to us and asked us to stop dancing like fag's. At which point we got indignant becuase we had been dancing like party people, sexuality neutral. In a fair point I asked this fellow, who had huge moobs which I scoop dunked a lot, that if he didn't like my dance style would he mind showing me how he would like us to dance. This apparently got him really mad and he then asked us to leave. Since I like to party a lot I told him I would do no such thing, the result was a big scuffle and us eventually leaving because there were quite frankly a lot more of them than there were us.
I was really taken aback by this because the moral of the story was that we got thrown out of a party because we were having a good time, which the Delawarians(?/ who cares) took to mean that we were gay. I would like to say that The Alcohall doesn't care if you're gay or straight so long as you don't do gross stuff in public because that is just rude.
Back to the point up until that fateful trip I thought that people generally accepted gay's and to find a group of people who genuinly hated them was upsetting. But as all great men do, we packed up and partied on, because when it comes down to it its not about where you party its about who you party with. Unless your partying in a pool, then theres no fattys allowed.

Unknown Fratstars: Part II

                In the second edition of “Unknown Fratstars” I would like to profile the best player from possibly the greatest sports movie franchise in history, Adam Banks from the Mighty Ducks. If you disagree with this being the best sports franchise then I challenge you to find a better one, and when you don’t fuck you. Adam, Cake Eater, Banks is clearly the frattiest player on the team and always the best player, in D3 he is on varsity while the rest of the ducks are on JV.  In D1, Banks was moved to the Ducks from the perennial powerhouse, Hawks, after his rich neighborhood was redistricted in by the gerrymandering mayor. Since then, Banks has been the best player on the team, and the man. When he first moved to the ducks, Banks was made fun of my his GDI teammates, most of which were replaced in D2. In D2, he is also worried about scouts in the stands, which his less talented teammate and overall fag in the first two movies, Charlie Conway can’t understand. Cake Eater knows he is going to be a pro player which is something someone who is not a frat star and has no ambition can’t understand. What also makes Banks a Fratstar is that he plays injured, and practices in his driveway while wearing a yellow polo. Most importantly, Cake Eater has great frat lettuce which he wears to perfection. I just wish that they had made a Mighty Ducks 4 (The college years) so we could fully see how fratty banks would get, and how many sorostitutes would be getting the triple deke.

Go to 2:49 to watch Banks dominate

The Great White Hope

With the success of the New England Patriots this year, and especially with the resurgence and dominate performance of Peyton Hillis of the Cleveland Browns, the white skill position player is back in the NFL. Danny Woodhead, for the Patriots, and Hillis were starters at the running back position, I think the last time two white running backs started in the same week was probably around the same time Nixon was having people break into Watergate. But to add to the successes of Woodhead and Hillis, Wes Welker had another dominate year and players like Brandon Stokley are still contributing to the super-bowl bound Seahawks, (that’s for you cool pants). This season has truly inspiring for all white football players and white culture, I think all readers can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that now we will never have to lie to our sons when they say they want to be a running back or wide receiver in the NFL, because they can. Now what would be truly remarkable is if someone can emulate my childhood hero, Jason Sehorn, and become a white cornerback, that would really the biggest achievement in white culture since Larry Bird won the NBA MVP, and don’t give me that shit about Steve Nash, he is a Canadian and a faggot. In this time in American society when, the biggest position in white culture, the president, is in the hands of a black man, we can finally have white running backs winning a battle against oppression with every carry and every touchdown

Go to 0:35

Jason Sehorn: THE MAN

Old Facebook Pictures: Courtesy of Racecar

Have you ever wondered what you used to be like?  Easy to figure out, go back to your oldest facebook pictures.  Take a good look at what a loser you must have been.  I don’t understand why people do not look and un-tag themselves.  Pictures of old girlfriends, family events, and school hallway pics are just a way for your college friends to make fun of you.  At least two or three times a year I will go through everyone of my pictures to make sure everything looks good.  Even an unsuspecting picture from a Christmas party this past year can make you look like a little bitch.  My first example comes from a close friend.  Now yes he is different and his ex-girlfriend has been around the country, but get rid of this fucking picture.  Its ok if some girl leaves it up on facebook, but un-tag yourself bro.  I just feel bad for this kid now. 

If you have any suggestions for embarrassing old facebook pictures feel free to send them to – racecaralcohall@gmail.com

Racecar is a guest author, and as always we encourage submissions

In D-Fence of Keystone Light

Since we’re all doing, I’ll give my two cents on why Keystone Light should be the cheap beer of choice. With all reverence to Deacon and Cool Pants, they are missing the great aspects of Keystone Light. Sure, it’s getting whomped in the poll, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to defend it. With Keystone, you have the constant worry of cops busting up a great time. With Keystone, you have a beer that needs a mascot. It’s too watery to stand on its own merit. It needs the coolest mascot ever: guy by the named of Keith Stone. Not only is it a super clever play on words with Keystone, but the guy who embodies the mascot is not a total tool in the slightest. He is every man’s 7034^th choice in what he hopes to become, and to me, that says a lot about the quality of Keystone. Keystone Light is the choice of guys who are desperately trying to get laid for the first time before parents come home. Keystone Light is the choice of guys who skip dinner so they can get drunker faster, and Keystone Light is the choice of guys who typically end up throwing up at the end of the night. Keystone is the best. It’s how you tell if someone is a bitch or not who needs to grow up and stop pretending they’re in high school. So please, reconsider Keystone Light. If you do, we’ll all make fun of you.

In Defense of Natty Light

In a recent post written by my colleague, Cool Pants, he praised the qualities of Beer 30. In our current poll, Beer 30 and Natural Light have been head to head, with no clear winner in sight. Beer 30 has been a surprising hit, as many have succumb to the hilarity of its name and slogan, yes I know they are great. But its lack of availability in large regions in the country, it’s hard to not name Natty as the ultimate cheap beer. It has normal shaped cans, which makes it better than Keystone, and it has the remarkable, yet simply, ability to change its name to Fratty Light. That does wonders for any product, Fratstone? Beer Fratty? No both of those sound like you have down syndrome. So let the games begin, the poll is still open, Go Frat Water.

New Music Tuesday

As the first major new release of 2011 comes a single off the highly anticipated EP Watch The Throne, a collaboration between Kanye West and Jay Z.  The first single is HAM (Hard as a Mothafucker). Does it live up to the hype? You tell us
Go here to listen to the track
http://adventoutpost.com/2011/01/kanye-west-jay-z-ham/

Terrible Career Decisions

I’m sick of seeing old celebrities hosting game shows, especially ones from sitcoms.  Bob Saget and Alfonso Ribeiro, otherwise known as Danny Tanner from Full House and Carlton from The Fresh Prince respectively, have no business hosting shows.  Come on guys, don’t ruin your great sitcom personas with crappy game shows that almost no one watch.

Carlton was a great character.  His dance to Tom Jones music still is hilarious.  But Catch 21 is a really terrible show.  The contestants answer easy trivia questions and just play blackjack with huge cards fit only for the blindest card player.  There’s no need to revitalize your television career, just stick with The Fresh Prince.  After all, it’s on like four different channels even now.

Bob Saget is a curious case.  Obviously everyone knows by now he’s nothing like Danny Tanner.  Saget is the dirtiest comedian you’ll ever hear, but you’d never know that from his great job as a dad for DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle (And if you didn’t know their names before now, you fail as a 90’s TV watcher).  But if you’re going to branch out, let it only be to standup comedy and cameos.  1 vs. 100 is another really dumb game show that has no business being watched, let alone made.

But folks, I saved the best for last.  Wilder Valderrama, Fez on That 70’s Show, went on to host Yo Mamma.  This MTV product may just be the worst game show in recent memory.  Really Fez? You’re lucky hardly anyone remembers this terrible show.

The Best of the Worst

As seen on our poll, I come to you as an advocate of Beer 30. Prior to this past week, I had forgotten how relatively unknown this alcoholic delight was. No one I talked to even knew what it was. Somehow it has gotten votes on its description alone which is pretty impressive.

Beer 30 is a very cheap beer that comes in a purple box. The purple box has come to be widely appreciated and the common misconception that the beer is actually grape flavored can be attributed to this. I don’t know how people still fall for that dumb joke. Unlike the more lucky parts of the country, Nashville does not usually stock its liquor stores with thirties. Instead, we have to settle for 24’s which is both frustrating and truly disappointing. Those last 6 beers are of course very important. And worst of all, you basically pay the same price for 24 as you do for 30. Because of these ungodly restrictions, we, the thirsty consumer, are forced to buy Beer 30.

As you can see, it does look a lot like a cheap grape soda. And when you taste it, you’ll wish it was. But that’s beside the point. What it really comes down to is the simple fact that Beer 30 has a hilarious can. The 0 is a clock with no numbers and rather just has the Beer 30 symbol. With Beer 30, it’s always Beer 30 time. So that begs the question, what time is it anyways? Vote Beer 30.

Why so Serious?

I think there’s something to be said about the inherent humor in taking serious things unseriously and vice-versa. Obviously there is a time and place to be appropriated mannered, but in a lot of cases, you can end up with some pretty good results.

Blogging is a key example of an unserious thing that can be taken seriously for comical purposes. As Donaghy Estates so eloquently put it, blogging is pretty lame. It’s the kind of thing you read about somewhere and just laugh at the people who do it. Who the fuck came up with the word ‘blog’? It’s a pretty terrible name and does the practice no justice. And no, I’m not going to look that up right now. But once you do actually try blogging, like the proud folks here at the Alcohall, you soon find that the inane practiced you so long laughed at can be something worthwhile. I’m not saying that everyone should go out and blog because that would be stupid. What I am saying is that something as deservingly unserious as blogging can be treated as something serious to warrant a chuckle. I find it funny that we’ve decided to make a blog to publicly display our many opinions. It’s also very funny that we are now spending time (albeit brief) to write articles when we’d normally just be dicking around. In this way, blogging is a lot like Twitter. Again as Donaghy Estates and I mentioned, Twitter at its core is really useless. What a waste of time. But for those out there who realize its worthlessness and take of advantage of that to produce things as funny as HoneyTheDog, I have only respect for them.

Generally the same sort of philosophy can be applied to taking serious things less seriously. It’s no fun being an uptight bitch all the time so why get bogged down in all the details? To make a brilliant and topical analogy, maybe you should think of it like the Jersey Shore. On one hand, you can be like Pauly D. and just laugh at all the drama in that stupid reality TV house. Or you can be like Angelina and have no one like you and just end up leaving two seasons in a row. It should be pretty clear which choice is better. So don't ask "why did you make a blog?" because the answer is "Why not? it's funny."

What a fucking dumb word

The Springsteen Paradox

                Bruce Springsteen is my favorite musical artist and quite possibly the second greatest singer-song writer in American history. Strangely, if I was given the opportunity to hang-out and talk with the Boss, I think I would have to politely decline. Why? Why would a big fan such as myself snub an American icon? The answer is actually very simple: Bruce sucks as a person. Springsteen is a notorious Obama-supporter and even performed at his inauguration. His liberal stance and the consistency in which he discusses his politics, politics which I strongly disagree with, are what alienate the person of Bruce Springsteen away from myself. To add to qualities which make me dislike Bruce are his marriage to Patty Scailfa, who is an ugly, untalented red head (Bruce was not able to share the successes of Unknown Fratstar, Johnny Rico), as well as his sporting of a hideous soul patch, who does he think he is , Olympic Superstar, Apollo Ohno? Springsteen’s lyrically gifted songs about everyday life in America is what draw many, including myself, towards him, but his political commentary is what make him this paradox. I admire him as an artist and love his music but despise him as a person. This leads to further questioning, is there a red-blooded American musician who you would hang out with and are there any artists that are truly fratty?

These topics will be expanded upon in the future, and feel free to comment

atleast he doesn't wear gay glasses though:


Video that epitomizes the Paradox, notice how he talks about reforming health care and performs with a member of Rage against the Machine, but also notice that this is an unreal, must-watch performance

Beast Mode

The Seahawks have been taking a lot of flak on this blog recently, but I would like to say that I am a fan. For all the props we give to the greats like Adam Dunn and Kenny Powers for not giving a shit, we don't give any to the Seahawks. If any group of athletes cares less than the Seahawks please present them. This is a group of men who made the playoffs with a losing record. And its not like they had some close games, all 9 of their losses were by 15 points or more, thats a joke. But like all the greats they knew that you can go far by not doing anything.
In tonights game their winning touchdown was a 67 yard run by Marshawn Lynch, (previously recognized for being the man), he broke atleast 6 tackles on that run and looked like the man. How was the rest of his night? On his 18 other rushing attempts he managed just 64 yards, that means he more than doubled his total yardage on one run. He knew he could score whenever he wanted, but he also knew that if he waited till the last possible moment he would only have to try on one play instead of the whole game.
Another touchdown came when their tightend fell down, then got up and wandered into the endzone and caught a touchdown pass. For all of that guys athletic ability he ultimately scored by falling down and making everyone else think he was out of the play, then effectivley saying "Psyche" and running into the endzone for the easy score. That is hilarious.
In tonights game the Seahawks really won me over, I never liked Pete Carroll at U.S.C. but if he can keep of this style of coaching, he may win me over yet. I mean he orchastrated a losing season and still got a home playoff game, I give credit where credit is due.
So for all of our avid readers, take sometime to re-consider your view on the Seahawks, a team whose motto, like that of the Alcohall is "Fundementals are the crutch of the talentless".

The Aints

The Seahawks actually won. Well this is embarrassing. Not for me, who picked the Saints to win, or Deacon who railed against them earlier this week. No, it’s not embarrassing for us in the slightest, because any fucking reasonable person would have picked the world champion Saints, at 11-5, to win against the fucking 7-9 Seahawks. Sure the Saints were banged up, but they still had a great team. No, today all the embarrassment falls on the Saints. How the fuck did you let the Seahawks win. Your defense just took the night off? They didn’t care. Hey, Saints defense: You’re not fucking Adam Dunn, who can get away with not caring and still be the shit. You have to care. The Seahawks are not good. Yes, Matt Hasselbeck had a great game. But Saints defense, how do you let Marshawn Lynch (Marshawn Fucking Lynch!) slip something like 20 tackles to run 67 yards for a touchdown. Just tackle him! The Saints are big idiots. So is Reggie Bush. He could’ve stepped up big yesterday. He had the chance to show he still belonged in the league, and filled in for the Saints banged up rushing attack. He could’ve gone out there like the Heisman winner that he…oh that’s right, he gave back the Heisman Trophy! Why do you give back the fucking Heisman Trophy if you claim you didn't do anything wrong? It’s not like they took it from him, but he gave it back. What a joke. Reggie Bush was great at USC, I loved him at USC, and he earned that Heisman. No wonder he sucks now, dropping balls all over the place and not knowing how to run anymore. Look, the Saints were never going to repeat as champions this year, but to lose to a team, that still is not above .500, is ridiculous. The Seahawks did not win yesterday, the Saints lost in the most embarrassing way any playoff team could: to a team that had no right even being there. Pathetic. Embarrassing. 

Shut the Fuck Up

            In a soon to be regular segment on The Alcohall we would like to profile people who just need to shut the fuck up. First in this series will be none other than the most hated figure on ESPN, Jim Rome. “Rome is Burning” is the worst show on ESPN and when 4:30 roles around and we all just got our doses of NFL Live, the most horrible words begin to enter our ears, “What is up? Here’s what I’m burning about…” Instead of hearing about what you’re burning about, I’d rather burn my ears off than listen to your douchey voice. Not a single person I have ever met has enjoyed one second of any of Jim Rome’s nonsensical rants, in fact I think we may all have been made dumber by them, thank you Billy Madison , and no a simply wrong would not have been nice; the only redeeming quality Jim Rome has, is that his show is on at 4:30 so instead of wanting to gouge my eyes out listening to that grease ball that is Jim Rome, I can instead  watch a rerun of “That’s 70 Show” on FX. So, Jim Rome, do us all a favor and just shut the fuck up.

Even though Frank Caliendo isn't funny, this is appropriate

Adam Dunn Revisited

As much I appreciate the BE’s important article, I believe that he failed to capture the glory that is Adam Dunn. To put it simply, Adam Dunn is the fucking man. One of the pillars of fratstardom and being the man is making it look like you aren’t even trying. Adam Dunn makes home run hitting look easy, but what is even better is that he looks like he does not give a shit, which he might not. Dunn is a strike-out machine, but continues to make an ass load of money. He is lazy and cocky, but he performs. He reminds us of The Alcohall favorite, Kenny Powers of “Eastbound and Down”. Powers, like Dunn, doesn’t work out and prefers to rely on natural talent. About weight training, he comments, “I’m not lifting that shit, that’s heavy”, an attitude we can all appreciate. Dunn is real-life Kenny Powers, except his success continues. Dunn would rather drink beer than work on situational hitting, something I think we can all agree with as I’m sure we’d all rather drink beer than study or workout. But why Adam Dunn is the Fratstar that he is is because, while us mere mortals need to study or workout to succeed, he doesn’t have to and he he can still blast 500 footers and shotgun beers like the champ he is. Something else that exemplifies Dunn’s not-give-a-shit attitude is that when faced with the offer to play football or baseball at the University of Texas, he chose baseball: a sport with better odds of making an ass-load of money and also a better chance of not having to condition at all. That’s something we all can appreciate. In conclusion, Adam Dunn is the fucking man- he drinks all the time and obviously bangs all the chicks in which ever city he plays, forcing him to demand a trade to find a new crop of slam-pieces, while making more money and delighting appreciative fans, like ourselves, with his jaw-dropping home runs and complete disregard of a work ethic. Simply speaking Dunn makes it look easy, and I hope this revisit adds color to the previous post.

How Kenny Powers Trains

Playoffs!!??

It is the playoffs folks. The best time of the year is upon us. This weekend we have seven great teams, 3 great games, and the fucking Seattle Seahawks. But The Alcohall has already been over the Seahawks, so no need to dwell on a negative subject. Here are my not expert at all picks for Wild Card Weekend.

Seahawks vs. Saints 4:30pm on NBC

The Seahawks win this one…if the Saints all kill themselves for being in the depressing shit hole that is Seattle.  Now that would be a great home field advantage. Unfortunately for them, I just don’t see that happening. Saints win it, 74-0

Jets vs. Colts 8pm on NBC

This game could be the best one of the weekend. Does Mark Sanchez still have an arm? Do the Colts still have a defense? Does Austin Collie still have a head? These questions will all be answered, as will Rex Ryan’s excuse for why the Jets lost. Colts win it, 23-13

Ravens vs. Chiefs 1pm Sunday on CBS

An appendix isn’t the only thing Matt Cassel will have lost this season, but a playoff game too. As much of a surprise as the Chiefs were this season, the biggest surprise of all would be them beating the Ravens. Ravens win it, 17-10

Packers vs. Eagles 4:30pm Sunday on FOX

The Packers should’ve been better than 10-6 this year. The Eagles should’ve been worse than 10-6. Michael Vick and the Eagles got away with murder in the Meadowlands a few weeks ago, although that’s not the first time Vick has committed murder. Aaron Rodgers is going to have a monster game, but so will Vick. I can see this going either way. Packers have won two in a row, Eagles have lost two in a row (should be 3). Packers win it, 38-34  

Eddie Murphy: Where has the Boogie Gone?

Eddie Murphy. The Man, the myth, the icon. What happened to him? What was the last good thing Eddie Murphy was in? I can’t even think of it. Eddie Murphy used to be great. Beverly Hills Cop: hilarious.  Coming to America: a cinematic masterpiece. Trading Places: an underrated gem. Bowfinger: An Academy Award winner for Best Picture.* I could go on. His career is in sad shape now, though. Nobody wanted to Meet Dave. Imagine that! And Norbit? I don’t why a comedy legend would even read that script, let alone get in multiple fat suits for the role. The good news is that another Beverly Hills Cop movie is coming soon. And the other good news is that, in addition to watching classic Eddie Murphy movies (never a bad thing), we can listen to his biggest hits. After all, Eddie Murphy is one of the greatest recording artists of our time too. Everyone knows (or should know) “Party All The Time,” which is a great song. But his best song is “Boogie in Your Butt.” If you haven’t ever heard it, watch the music video below. It is funny as shit. It includes lines like "Put a tree in your butt, put a bumblebee in your butt." It just makes no sense, and is hilarious. You will not be disappointed, like we all are with the current state of Eddie Murphy’s career.  

*Not really, but a very funny movie nonetheless. 

Video of the Week

The first ever video of the week is none other than Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”, for those who haven’t heard this song it is a classic, and is great for after you smoke weed or at the end of a party.

Now let me ask you two questions about this song:

1.       Before you saw the video, what ethnicity, age, or sex would you guess the singer was?

2.       After finding out who she was, would you do her for $3,000?

Feel free to answer in comments

Professional Athletes Who Just Don't Give a Shit: Adam Dunn

This is a new segment on The Alcohall that examines the best kind of pro athletes: the ones that just don't give a shit. Forgetting about every player in the NBA right now, cause they all don't care, I want to kick off this series with the great Adam Dunn. Adam Dunn is too lazy to care about his approach to hitting. He doesn't go up to bat with a plan, but instead swings at almost everything. This results in either a home run or a strikeout. Last year he had 38 home runs, and 199 strikeouts. He doesn't care! He's also super slow and doesn't hustle. Now, don't get me wrong, these are not bad things. This is what makes him the man. You know how much money he's going to be making the next four years: 56 million dollars. Boy, the White Sox sure are dumb. He doesn't care! I wish I was Adam Dunn. Most professional athletes watch what goes in their bodies, to keep in peak physical shape. Adam Dunn: he doesn't care! He eats fried chicken for breakfast and beer for lunch. And then he goes to baseball games at night where he just swings at every pitch, hoping to hit a home run, because God knows he's not hustling to second if the ball stays in the park. And he is going to make 56 million dollars over the next four years...Adam Dunn is living the dream. He doesn't give a shit, but Adam Dunn, I sure give a shit about you. You're the man. 

TV Shows that Shouldn't have been Cancelled

As the beginning of this new segment, what better show is there to spotlight than Stella? Nope, I didn't pick the obvious choice of Arrested Development. That would be too easy. By now, everyone and their brother knows how good that show is. Instead, I picked the lesser known and lesser appreciated choice.

Stella did not last very long. It aired from June to August 2005 on Comedy Central. The show features the Stella comedy troupe: David Wain, Michael Showalter, and Michael Ian Black. Together, they make for brilliant television. You'd be hard pressed to find dumber comedy than found on this show. That may sound like a bad thing to some, but to those who know better and appreciate the stylings of Billy Madison, you know that "dumb" isn't necessarily something to be frowned upon. Everything has its time and place and Stella is has a well deserved spot on the list as a great way to fill an afternoon or an awkward 22 minutes before doing something more exciting. The show is simply funny as shit. It's as quotable as many other comedy favorites and is luckily on Netflix's instant watch list. Clutch.

You've probably never heard of anyone involved in Stella but maybe you should do some more research. Michael and Michael themselves are pretty useless, albeit hilarious, but David Wain went on direct several genius films including The Ten and Role Models. (As a side note, go out and watch The Ten - this is not a goof) If you don't believe me yet, watch the following video. And if you don't find it funny, then there's simply something wrong with you. I'd hate to end a post with a depressing fact, but Mind of Mencia effectively replaced Stella on Comedy Central and that's just wrong. Carlos Mencia is the worst.

Who's the loser?

I think it's fair to say that we all love theme parties, whether it be Great Fratsby or Euro Bros and Soviet Hos. Putting on eccentric outfits and then getting black out drunk adds a level of enjoyment that isnt quite reached when wearing regular clothes. Sometimes there's even a cliche theme song involved, like Auld Lang Syne or Ice Ice Baby. Themes are the best, so its frustrating when people, mostly freshman, don't get dressed up for the theme. No one goes trick-or-treating in their normal clothes, So why is it ok to go to a Christmas themed party in the same clothes you went to class in? The answer is you wouldn't.
If everyone around you is dressed up in funny and/or slutty outfits and you're not, you don't look like the cool one, you look like a nerd. (As an aside this post is strictly directed at guys becuase girls learned long ago that for them the theme is always slutty.) And if you think you're above the theme or that you're just better than everyone else there, you're wrong. Not dressing with the theme is about as cool as going to a small liberal arts school.
When you really think about it, college is the only time when you have a consistent source of opportunities to go to themed parties, so why would you let the opportunity go to waste? Because of the fact that by sophomore year everyone gets the message and gets decked out for the smallest of themes, this is really directed at freshman. We get it, you are dweebs, but if you really wanted to make friends and have fun you would put on your suspenders, toga, converses, whatever the theme may be, and have a good time.

If you don't dress up for themed parties you are effectively that guy

RIP Rich Cronin

I’m sure none of you know who Rich Cronin is, as I did not until yesterday, but he was a musical genius and recently succumbed to a battle with Leukemia.  But you definitely all know him from his hit song “Summer Girls” from the 90s band LFO. LFO was not talented and had no other songs besides “Summer Girls”, which at the time none of us liked. But as we got older and we matured, we came to release how timeless this song truly is. They make a reference to literally everything of importance that happened in the 90s. “Stayed all summer then went back home, Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone,” how can you beat those lyrics? You can’t, I’m sorry, he also talks about playing hookie, a phrase not used since 1999. So everyone sit back and remember the good days with “Hey! Arnold”, Beanie Babies, and Bill Clinton getting BJs in the Oval Office, and listen to some “Summer Girls”.

Yesterday's Hero, Today's Bitch

What a finish. One of the best Rose Bowls ever. 4th and 5, with the National Championship on the line and Vince Young runs it in for the go ahead TD. Vince Young used to be the man. Unfortunately for him, he sucks now. Today it was announced that he wouldn’t be back next year as a Titan. Good move, as Vince Young stunk it up this year, before being injured. Sure, he had a good rookie season, and has had some good stretches. But c’mon, who didn’t think Vince Young would be great after his rookie season? I know I did. He was the man that year. But now, Vince Young is really just pathetic. He’s been pathetic for a while now, especially after he went and wanted to go kill himself. I wouldn’t blame him today if he wanted to, but back then he was still the man, and since then he’s lost a lot of credibility. Who knows where VY is going to end up. Who cares where he ends up. He’s a bitch now, and it’s unfortunate because I had such high hopes for him. Thinking about Vince Young also got me thinking about his rival QB from that 2006 Rose Bowl game. Matt Leinart. Also someone who was a great bro. When he was a fifth year starter at USC, he too was the man. Now, he’s the third string QB for the Texans. Talk about a fall from grace. Who would have thought that 5 years after that great Rose Bowl game, the two biggest stars would be the two biggest duds. It really taints the greatness of that game. They were two great players in college, and now they are on their way to being nobodies. You know what they say about glory days, they pass you by. Hope they enjoyed it while it lasted, and I hope Vince Young doesn’t go kill himself.

Following up the Dog

I would like to address a very basic truth about the Alcohall. It is a blog, and as I have said many times, blogs are stupid. Who wants to read things written by someone who wasnt good enough to get it published? I don't. So before agreeing to be the marque member of this blog I really considered if writing a blog was lame, like eating by yourself in the cafeteria at school. Unfortunately, like eating by yourself in the cafeteria sometimes theres just no avoiding it, say you have a final at 8 a.m. and all your friends were out until 5. are they going to get up so you don't look like Stephen Glansburg? No. Thats why I am doing this blog, because sometimes you just have to bite the bullet

Dazed and Confused

Bros before hos- the age old phrase. So what to do choose? It all comes down to simple economics. You have to weigh the costs and benefits of either direction. Your real bros will understand if you have to choose against them. But that choice is contingent upon one fact – a worthwhile girl. And it doesn’t help if there’s some guarantee that such a decision will pay off. You can’t just dismiss your friends to hang out with a random girl or else you could be left with some girl who doesn’t get any of your references and a bunch of friends who are mad at you. When you must make the opposite choice and choose your bro’s, it’s never a bad decision. A girl should understand that. Sometimes you just have to shoot the shit.

It's clearly a difficult balance to keep. When in doubt, pick your bros. Take a look at history- how many great accomplishments were made by a guy and girl together rather than a bunch of guys? They are called Founding Fathers for a reason. It must be said that Paul Rudd in I Love You Man picks hos his whole life and winds up Rashida Jones. When he finally sets out to make a friend, he ends up with Jason Segel. Not bad, Paul, not bad. However, this extraordinary movie must be set aside as an exception.

Facebook Decorum Part 1

I think that possibly the single most annoying thing on facebook is people who update their status’s about going to the library, for instance a post like, “Has a date with (insert name of person who library is named after) so much funnnnnnn!” or something along the lines of, “been at library for ten hours, kill me…….”. There are so many things wrong with these that I don’t even know where to begin. But mainly it is, who the fuck cares? If I wanted to know where you were I would have texted you or something, you don’t have to announce to the whole world that you are fucking stupid and have to study for extraordinarily long hours, and also shouldn’t you be studying in the hour you spend on facebook thinking of some creative thing to make your status, most of. And someone equally if not dumber than you will comment on your status, which will lead you to spend more time with an uncreative retort. Overall, this is just a big waste of time for everyone involved. It’s just another stupid update in my homepage which prolongs the search for a girl’s newly updated facebook albums for us all to creep through. In conclusion, do us all a favor and don’t update your statuses about going on dates with old, dead men. It is a simple request.

In Defense of the Miami Heat

As one of the best bloggers around today, as rated by Internetbuzz.com, I was happy to leave my old blog and take my talents to The Alcohall. Because, at the end of the day, I would prefer to dominate the internet with a team of fellow all-stars, instead of dominate alone.  Who wouldn’t? This is why LeBron, D-Wade, and this raptor, all teamed up. So they could be like Kobe and do work. Only do more dominant work. But ever since LeBron made his decision, everyone turned on him. Was it a dick move to Cleveland? Yes. Is LeBron a total douche? Completely. And I get that no other NBA superstar ever left their team when they weren't winning- even though LeBron's Cavs were the best team in the league for several years. This is why LeBron is so stupid, he had all the pieces in Cleveland, he just couldn't win when it mattered. The Heat still have to prove this.  But as of now, they’re running shit. They’ve won 18 of their last 19. The below picture:

INSANE. They look badass. It is the best picture. Ever. D-Wade's like: "What? Oh, that. Deal with it." And LeBron is just making it look easy. LeBron makes rape look easy. The Heat are tearing the NBA apart. They’re taking all the other teams to the back alley and ripping their asses apart. You can’t not respect just how good they are. Personally, I don’t like the Heat. I don’t like GayBron. But I respect their dominance. So for all the cry babies who whine about LeBron and the Heat, stop it. You sound gay. When they end up not winning in the Finals, because LeBron isn't clutch, then you can hate on LeBron for that. But right now, the Heat are being beasts. Respect it.