Unknown Fratstar

As I have already covered Jesse Palmer, I'll move to his hockey counterpart Barry Melrose. Barry Melrose is probably a way cooler person than Palmer, but is pedigree and his resume to be ESPN's go to hockey guy is probably equally as weak. Melrose played for like five seasons in the NHL, and then coached the kings for 3 years before being fired, and he was fired while Gretzky was still on the team. He then coached the lightning and was fired in mid-season in 2008. It is literally the epitome of mediocre as a professional career both on the ice and on the bench. But somehow due to enthusiam, American hockey ignorance, and the oxymoronic fratty mullet, Melrose has staked his claim as the face of hockey commentators in America,(he doesn't challenge Don Cherry). And for you readers who know who Don Cherry is, good for you. I love how ESPN shows his resume when he is talking, it is literally pathetic. There are hundreds of more qualified announcing, I personally would like to see Mike Richter or Scott Stevens get in there. But cheers Barry Melrose, you pulled it off through connections and good hair, and that is inherently fratty.

Scott Stevens is literally the man

NFL Draft Tonight

The first round is tonight (now) as you all should know.  Personally, I think Cam Newton will be horrible. But we won't get into that now

To pump you up:

Who the hell is Mel Kiper?

Best of the Best

Finally Best of the Best on Sportcenter changes from the one-legged wrestler, it has gotten old. Its a cool story, he won after overcoming a disability, thats great. We won't debate on whether or not it was an advantage or not. But the biggest problem with Best of the Best is that Bobby Ryan's goal was beaten by some stupid basketball play. That goal was so filthy, it was two dangle seshes into a goal, it did not deserve to be beaten, but now I ask you which goal was better Ryan's or Ovechkin's from a few years ago?

I personally think its Ovechkins

An American Hero

They'll look like fools!

Here are some invaluable ways to make your gullible friends look like fools.  Be careful when you use them, they will most certainly never work again.

1. "It's impossible not to get dizzy if you move your head back and forth with your mouth open" Instant classic
2. "70% of people can't touch their thumb knuckle to their bottom teeth more than 10 times without getting dizzy." Dizzy is a common theme
3. Best for last: "If you pour a closed salt shaker into your mouth, it will still taste like salt."

You'll look like him, a fool with cowboy boots and shorts

Would you like a tampon with that Summer Shandy?

While Coolpants may have beat me to the punch on talking about our new favorite seasonal beer, I think I would like to discuss the other aspects of enjoying a beer with a fruit additive. As my colleague, Donaghy Estates can atest we have both become fans of fruity beer, his is a strawberry abita, mine is summer shandy. Personally, I am not sure if there is anything questionable about it, its not like its hard lemonade, which is definitly questionable, its a delicious beer with a hint of lemonade that is perfect for summer. Sure after I drink it, I have to go hang some dry wall, watch football, and eat beef jerkey, but thats more of a personal thing. I ask all readers to seek this beer out and try it before they cast their judgements. And no I do not support Mike's hard lemonade or smirnoff ice, those are super lame and majd probably drinks those.

Summer: Limited Release

Here I am, on my last day of classes for the year.  Summer is just around the corner, right after I finish my god forsaken finals and write another term paper.  This is a crossroads folks.  We all don't have that many summers left ahead of us.

With summer comes the inevitable release of brewery's summer releases.  There's summer Magic Hat, summer Sam Adams, you name it.  But hidden in the shelves of your local store is a gem brought to you by the folks at the Leinenkugel.  Leinenkugel, a brewery I hadn't ever heard of until this past summer, releases quality beers all year round, flavored and regular.  However, every summer, their time to shine truly comes.  Each year, Leinenkugel brings us their Summer Shandy, a heavenly lemonade-beer.  It's taste is simply indescribable, you have to try it to believe it.  And to all the doubters, there is absolutely no shame in this beer.

Enjoy some Summer Shandy with the onset of your summer.  We'll all have jobs coming around the bend as school comes to a close.  We'll all be returning to wherever we call home.  But it's time to fully realize the bigger picture.  Summer Shandy shall hopefully be around to happily remind us of the approach of many summers to come, but summers soon won't have the same meaning as they do now.  They soon won't be breaks from our usual routine and will instead just be another reason to hate being at work.  Enjoy your summers, they are truly a limited release.

Snow Day: What's up with that

Recently there has been an influx of people who are really interested in the Snow Day article. I don't know what has happened in countries like Canada, Malaysia, and India but somehow people in those countries, I think, love this article. It has been the most popular one for the last week, and I'm pretty sure in no part of the world but the highest mountains is it actually snowing. I just thought people would find this amusing and funny, and after a weekend spent with the BE and Coolpants we could not figure out what the fuck is going on with this.

What is so interesting in this?

You like them

This is a clip from a fraternity at IU who really suck, and if anyone thought this is cool they also suck

P.S. this is Donaghy Estates brother fraternity

Life Lessons From Movies

Today, I present to you three more life lessons from movies:

7. "Just remember, football is 80% mental and 40% physical." 

This gem comes from the perennial favorite Little Giants, courtesy of Steve Emtman.  Obviously, the Giants needed to hear this life lesson so they could learn to beat the Cowboys.  And obviously, since its from a pro football player, it's good advice.  The lesson here is to stop getting all in your head and just focus, hit that last cup.

8. "You are defined by the company you keep and how well you keep it. Not by what you just happen to do."

I've actually impressed myself with this one.  No matter how I spin it, this is a good quote from a very surprising source.  Brink! is probably the only Disney channel original movie that everyone from this generation remembers.  I'm sure if I were to watch it now, I'll want to punch myself in the face.  But back then, it was great.  Not to mention this is a perfect segue, considering Spike from Little Giants was the lame-ass bad guy on Skater X from Brink!  Even the poster has a good quote to consider.  We here at The Alcohall strive to keep excellent company, it says a lot about you.  If you roommate's sister comes into town and is nice but particularly weird, it's alright to be worried about having to hang out with them.

9. Shoot her

It's as simple as that, don't let raptors eat your friends

Throwback video of the week courtesy of Racecar

He said if I didn't put this in he would create his own blog

Songs That Are Worse Than Reason

Ok, I know everyone has heard this song, but I just listened to it for the first time.

Fun (fun fun fun) Fact: If your going over 60 miles an hour and you roll the windows down in your car you can cup your hand and put it out the window and it feels like a boob, its pretty cool.

Suprising Geeds: Roger Goodell

I don't think there is anything cooler or more fratty than being the commissioner of the NFL. It is the best league with the highest revenue, and you get to announce the 1st round of the NFL draft. I really don't think there is a bad aspect of it. But somehow Roger Goodell thinks its a good thing to run the league into the ground and ruin everything Sir Paul Tagliabue created. Tagliabue is the man and we all know that, but how could he choose someone like Goodell? Right now Goodell thinks its a good idea for the league to have a lock-out for a season and let Bud Selig, who is the only worse commissioner than Goodell, and baseball take back its spot as the number one sport. But frankly I won't stand for it, I hope that Goodell is ordered by court to make something happen, and who thinks his rule changes are a good idea? James Harrison is a douche but I see his point. I just hope everyone can agree that Goodell is doing a terrible job, and frankly I hope that Cam Newton, who is going to get picked first, punches him in the face.

Kanye West

Nope, not a post about why he's the man.  Because everyone should know that, Kanye is the king of rap right now and I will argue that incessantly.  What I don't understand is how people don't like him still.  He has an ego? He made fun of Taylor Swift?  First, it's understandable he has an ego, he deserves it.  He writes great raps about that.  And second, that shit was so long ago that if you still care about it then you need to recheck your priorities.  Kanye fucking killed it this past weekend at Coachella.  See for yourself:

http://rapdose.com/2011/04/18/kanye-west-at-coachella-2011-full-concert

Great commercial

This guy is just the man. I would love to enter a party like this. I am not the biggest fan of  Heineken, but I am a huge fan of greeting a friend with a fake old-west style duel, that is just awesome, and something I wouldn't mind doing. Plus for some reason I really enjoy this song

Vote for Peyton

http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/116/1162413p1.html
One of the most misleading headlines of all time I think, who would have though it would be Peyton Hillis not Peyton Manning fighting to be on the cover of Madden. I think this is hilarious that EA Sports fucked themselves like this, I love Peyton Hillis , as shown in a previous article, but he is not yet worthy to be on Madden. But thats not my real reservation, I really don't want him to be subject to the Madden curse. That is my nightmare. The worst part is I might rather have Vick on it, so he gets kidnapped by Peta, Thank You for Smoking style, and is forced to eat dog food and fight pit bulls or something. But if anyone can break the madden curse it is Peyton Hillis, because he literally destroys people and again he gives white guys everywhere hope that no one can tell them they can't do anything. If there can be a white running back on the cover of madden, then maybe white guys can jump.

Songs that are worse than the Reason

No words are needed

Video of the Week

It's a little long, but it's worth the time spent.  Just sit back and keep your eyes on the drummer

Skip to the minute mark if you're impatient

Worst Song Ever

Everyone growing up like shitty music, it's just part of the process.  The summers we spent with MTV2 and Fuse rock countdowns in the background for great.  But every now and again, some song would find its way onto the list and just stay there for weeks and weeks.  Reason by Hoobastank is one such song.  I don't know how, but it managed to stay on the countdowns for almost for the whole summer.  And everytime it came on, I hated it more and more.  So, I nominate Reason by Hoobastank as the worst song ever.

There are bad songs, and there are awesomely bad songs- this one is in the first category.  Feel free to comment with your own nominations.

I'm a steak and potatoes guy

Ricky Fowler

I don't even know which to title this: You like him, Suprising Geeds, or Shut the Fuck Up because they are all true. For those of you who don't know who Ricky Fowler is, he is just a total majd and jabroni. He could be cool because he is a young American golfer who is really good, and could be hopes for Americans in a time where the world is dominating the rankings. But this guy just fucking sucks, he thinks he is too fucking cool and he stood up to Augusta National about them making him turn his hat around. If you talk shit about Augusta than you are jabroni of the century, it is the single most fratty and American institution in the world. But back to Ricky Fowler, this guy is sponsored by Puma and wears single color outfits with his hat backwards. But not only is his hat backwards, but it is also a flat bill. Its just sad because he has so much potential to be a hero to Americans and Alcohall readers, but instead he becomes loathed and I am forced to write this article.
http://sports.yahoo.com/golf/blog/devil_ball_golf/post/Rickie-Fowler-gets-a-lesson-in-Augusta-National-?urn=golf-wp563
article about Augusta National

If this picture doesn't make you dislike him, you are probably in the wrong place

Dog, you are not a shirt

Shut the Fuck Up: College Kids who Boast Extensive Beer Tastes

All of you people, please shut the fuck up.  I don't want to be out to dinner and overhear jabroni capital of the world at another table talking about how much he loves Abita Purple Haze over your Blue Moon.  Or how much he loves Pale Ales, the paler the better right? Fuck you, you have no idea what you're talking about.  I only drink Dog Fish Head's 120-minute IPAs... oh really? I'm going to punch you right in the kisser, pow.

Honestly, you're like 20 years old.  Odds are you've had half the variety of beers that comes in a thirty.  Though probably not Keystone Heavy, the ultra rare red can I could probably trade for a shiny Pokemon card.  But none the less, you boast about how much you like Yazoo and how it's better than Bud Heavy and quite honestly, you prefer a Fat Tire or Sierra Nevada over just about any old bar variety.  Bull-fucking-shit.  You're sitting there gulping down that beer from Happy Hour and thinking, "do I really like this?  It's alright I suppose and if I keep drinking it, everyone will think I'm sophisticated."  Well, I'm calling you out.  You people are like the hipsters of the beer market.  I don't want to hear about your different, exquisite tastes.  I don't want to hear you contemplating your beer decision from a menu full of foreign options.  Oh, you like Super Dry beers? You don't even know what that means, no one fucking does.

You Like Him: Randy Pearson

Bet you didn't know his last name.  Randy Pearson was a newly introduced character in the last season of That 70's Show, brought in as comic relief to replace Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher.  However, Randy was not funny.  Bottom line, he was a huge jabroni and frankly, you like him.

Let's start this new weekly segment with the ever important definition of a jabroni.  A jabroni is someone very lame, someone who tries too hard to seem how he is.  Of course, how he is is obnoxious and probably a frequent wearer of cargo shorts.  A Jabroni is the opposite of a bro.  And no, I don't mean bro in the sense of every other fucking website on the internet.  It's so tired and overused these days, I hesitated to even include it.  You know what I mean out there, you Alchohall readers.  We all know what I'm talking about and quite simply, a jabroni is everything that it's not.  A jabroni is widely hated and disliked- he is a majd by all standards.  Johnny Suckow comes to mind.

Back to Randy.  This poor excuse for a lovable 70's character really made watching the last season of the show difficult.  He was never funny. Never.  While Donna was never the hottest girl on the show, he did hook up with her which is far too big of a feat for someone so forgettable.  He would jump into the screen and make really shitty jokes.  There was a laugh track of course so at least a bunch of computer generated noise laughed at him, but I never did.  On top of that, he had his slicked back blond hair and his dumb 70's shirt with the top few buttons undone.  I don't care if it's a few decades ago, you look like an idiot.  Thankfully, he doesn't end up with Donna in the finale and he simply fades into non-existence where he should say.  You like Randy Pearson, you enjoy him.

Golf Pros and Tigers Hoes

To start off our new poll, I'd like to do a profile on this theme party idea. Now this isn't what it seems as guys dress and golf pros and girls dress slutty, even though this is encouraged. What this consists of is making a 9 or 18 hole course at your party and matching up with a foursome to complete the course. Everyone hole will be a different drinking challenge and the lower your score the better. So lets say the first hole is an America themed room, if you take two shots of whiskey, you get a birdie, one shot a par, and chugging a pbr gets you a bogie, or something along these lines. Or an easier one would be a game of ruit, winners get par, losers get bogies. Scorecards stolen prom golf courses are necessary, and please get creative with your room themes.

Video of Week

I listened to this song right after watching space jam, and then playing the knockout drinking game. So needless to say it was a great time, and I recommend everyone try it out atleast once

Unknown Fratstars VI

In this edition of "Unknown Fratstars" I'd like to profile quite possibly the frattiest man alive, Guy Fieri. For those of you who don't know who that is, he is the guy in the Chilis commercials who makes shitty food for that restaurant. He also has a show on the food network that probably no one watches. But really what makes Guy Fieri so cool is his look. Some people have a look and can pull it off to perfection, and he is one of them. Whether it be the bleached blonde, spiked hair, or the sweat bands, he can do it and he can do it fratty.  The other thing about guy fieri that makes him truly fratty is his facial hair. Its perfectly groomed and every waitress at Chilis bangs him when he stops in to try Cajun Sea scallops with the never ending Tortilla chips. Plus you really can't discount the shirts he wears, no they aren't vineyard vines or polo, they are probably Walmart brand, and who ever said that wasn't fratty? I certainly didn't, and yes Donaghy Estates I have seen your zombie. So tonight when you you all start drinking, toast it to Guy Fieri, George Lopez, and Madtv, all things are very fratty and cool. Happy April Fools Day

This guy is such a majd

Shows that shouldn't have been canceled: MADtv

SNL has been really great lately (Bill Hader's Stefon- hilarious), but even in this golden age of SNL, it still does not hold a candle to the late great MADtv. What was so great about Mad TV was its ripe parodies. What didn't it take on: the Michael Jackson trial, Anna Nicole Smith, American Idol, and even that buffoon of a president George W. Bush (he was the worst). But the best part about it the show was it's original characters. That little kid played by a grown man- priceless. All the women that Asian guy played- I laughed so hard milk came out of my nose!!!;)! You know all those characters were great, and extremely popular, because of the sheer amount of movies that they have been made into. Sure, SNL has had Wayne's World, and most recently MacGruber, but MADtv has The King's Speech, The Social Network, No Country for Old Men, and Norbit- all of which were nominated for Academy Awards. Also, MADtv was edgy- just look at how they spell their title! It's a shame Fox had to cancel this show, and it really shouldn't have been canceled. And even Comedy Central pulled the reruns of this great show. What has the world come to!? Do yourself a favor and pick up a complete season of this show, you will not be disappointed. To whet your appetite, here is just one of their hilarious skits based on original material. 

Lopez Tonight

There are a lot of nightly talk shows out there, but I am here to tell you that Lopez Tonight is the only one worth watching.  It's seriously funny, after all it's on TBS.  Conan is alright and all, but he is just the appetizer to the main Hispanic-flavored course.



Where to begin?  George Lopez is simply the best.  He is hilarious in every aspect of the word.  I hope you all saw Balls of Fury, he was in that gem of a movie.  How about Swing Vote? The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl?  At the very least, I'm sure you saw him featured in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.  If I was looking for one Mexican-American actor to put in my movie, it would surely be George Lopez.  If only he was inserted in the Zorro movies, that would have been seriously great.  I'd watch everyday as if I were 6 years old again.  Thankfully, we don't just have to look forward to new George Lopez comedies at the box office.  Because he has a nightly show, we can all get our daily dose of George.  My only grievance with George is that he didn't like the show Cavemen; in fact, he should've been on it!

Let's finish with this hilarious George Lopez clip featuring my other favorite, Arsenio Hall!