Unknown Fratstar

Its been a long, long time since this column was posted but in a triumphant return I would like to profile Ty Webb from Caddyshack. As anybody in America who doesn't suck dick will know, Caddyshack is an all-time classic and the character played by Chevy Chase is one of the reasons why. Ty Webb is a young rich guy who does not give a fuck about anything. He owns atleast two lumber yards and has a huge house, and all he does is play golf and mentor Danny Noonan. Ty Webb is a frequent drug user and is seen smoking weed with Bill Murray, and doing coke with the judge's slutty niece. By the way he also bangs that neice, despite her probably only being like 19, but thats cool, he can pull it off. Also Ty Webb is incredibly condescending, as seen in the great scene with Bill Murray, in Bill Murray's shitty groundskeeper house. Direct quote, "Yea, we have a pool and a pond. The pond is probably better for you". So good for you Ty Webb, I would have no problem becoming you one day.

Song of the week

Maybe The BE and Cool Pants will actually party for the first time ever now

Best Chips

Seriously, I highly recommend them to any sandwich fan

Take that HBO

In defense of Charlie Kelly

As Charlie, from Always Sunny, has recieved no votes so far in the recent poll, I would just like to write a post to remind you why Charlie is such a great character. Charlie does not have many of the qualities praised on this site, like frattyness, cleverness, or really any redeeming qualities, he is still hilarious. Keep in mind that Charlie is actually illiterate, which could not be more funny in the situations he gets himself in. Charlie also loves dressing up for shit, which Donaghy Estates enjoys, and I am sure Charlie would be great at attending theme parties. There isn't really much to say other than that Charlie makes the show, and he is the ultimate wildcard. Also charlie working at a school as a janitor and being called the professor is so ridiculous. Who doesn't want that nickname.

Whats with your outfit man?

http://officebabble.blogspot.com/2011/08/top-5-male-comedy-tv-characters.html, also this is hilarious because it is our poll summed up, but with very different results

Ryan Fitzpatrick: from the onion

Hilarious

Arrested Development Redux

For those of you who haven't heard, Arrested Development is trying to come back for one last special season before a movie is made. This is the best news ever considering that this is one of the best shows ever. And if you haven't watched this show, its about time you stop being a dumb ass and get with the times. I am not sure if there are better characters out there in television than Gob Bluth or Tobias Funke, more on that later, but I just hope this show is picked up and they carry on where they left on with hilarious wit and innuendo. For now we should all just do the chicken dance with our hermanos in Portugal, which is in South America.



I've made a huge mistake

It's For You

Solving Problems

I haven't posted in a while. Sorry for partying. I'm watching Monday Night Football watching Painter put his best foot forward in a tough situation. This reminds me of living in a frat house. Everyday we wake up and are faced with difficult problems and have to solve them as best we can. For instance, when we first moved in we had mold on our shower curtains, since common knowledge told us that mold is bad we threw them out. Since that day a month ago we have been living without shower curtains. Are they difficult to get, no. Are they a hassle to get, maybe, we haven't tried. But it has not impacted our lifestyle at all. I've come to embrace it because I'm only going to be able to live like this for so long so I might as well enjoy it. I will say that one lifestyle choice I will never give up is shopping at thrift stores, they are the greatest places to shop in the world, I'm always amazed people still shop at real stores, for any parties in the know I found a Rings End Lumber shirt at a thrift store in New Orleans the other day, I bought it because of how amazed I was by it being there. You always find the best things at the thrift store for way cheaper than you could find them anywhere else. Also does anyone on earth know what 'Grantland' is, the thing that always has commercials on espn. It seems like it could be cool, but I also  have no idea what it is about.

Black out song: Wagon Wheel

I would just like to congratulate Wagon Wheel for winning the latest poll and being the supreme song to sing while under the influence to end a night. It is very important to always remember that while singing any of the songs from the poll, but especially wagon wheel that the floor is lava and you must search for elevated surfaces to protect your feet.

Cold War Politics

"Obama Fried Chicken" is the latest fast food craze in China. These restaurants are popping up all over the place. Hilariously racist, but also this is what China thinks of us and our stupid president. This is an attack from the government, since they are Communists and control business. It just goes to show the Cold War is still alive and well. You may have won win this battle China, but see you in January 2013, when the US will start kicking your ass again.

He would have never let this happen. Fuck you China

More predictions

Like Deacon, I will take my stab at predicting MLB's postseason:

NLCS: Phillies v. Brewers
ALCS: Yankees v. Rays
WS: Brewers v. Yankees
Champs: Yankees

Mostly because I picked the Brewers to be in the World Series at the beginning of the season against an AL east team, so why change now. Yankees win in 5 though. Also, I hate the Phillies, but I will admit they're good. However, Cliff Lee does not like to win in October and Cole Hamels is gay, so they will find a reason to choke, just like Cole Hamels chokes on dicks every night.

This is why the Yankees are going to win the World Series, because they do shit like this

Movie Titles Minus 1 Letter

Clearly, there's some boredom setting in.  But you can produce hilarious results if you take a great movie and drop one letter.  Here are some examples:

Jurassic Par: The story of one dinosaur's struggle to win the Master's.

It would look something like this:

Others: Fight Cub, Star Was, Finding Emo, Alf Baked

The options are endless

Baseball playoffs

The playoffs are here, and time for some more predictions. The BE and I both made predictions before the season started, and combined we did ok,but both were kind of shitty. I had the yankees and the phillies correct in winning the east, and had the cardinals winning the NL central, but they did make the playoffs so I will give myself that one. The BE called the brewers right, and the phillies and yankees winning the wild cards. Personally I think I did better, because the BE is a big loser who didn't show faith in the Yankees. For now my predictions are:
ALCS: Yankees vs. Rangers
NLCS: Phillies vs. Milwaukee
World Series: Yankees vs. Phils, Yanks in 6, the phillies offense is too shitty, and the yankees starting pitching is good enough, especially with a lights out bull pen.
And for a little pump up music lets listen to Mariano's song:

Throwback Thursday

Literally the worst sports anchor of all time.
Rebound, pass to the guy, and boom goes the dynamite

Battlefield 3

This looks awesome

In defense of Metta World Peace

Recently, it became official that Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace, as suggested by the title I fully support his name change. I think its great and its hilarious. The man who once punched out a fan at a Piston's game is now an advocate for world peace, and reminds everyone that we can achieve peace as they see it written across his back. The best part of this is the interview he had on PTI. Metta could not even give us the proper definition of his first name, a paraphrased quote is that "it means unity or friendship, I had my team look it up, and I liked the sound of it." That is literally what he said, this from the man who used to drink Hennessey at the half time of his basketball games. But never the less, i do support it, just like I support Chad Ochocinco, who I also find hilarious. If I had a twitter I am sure I would want to follow both of them, because they are funny people. Also his daughter is also changing her last name to world peace, so good for the former Artest slash current World Peace family for showing soliditary.

What to Watch

This past week, in my eyes, kicked off the fall TV schedule.  After a long hiatus, It's Always Sunny and Archer came back on last Thursday.  I didn't watch either of them on Thursday because who does that? but we did get to watch them finally.  Let me tell you, they are both in their prime forms.

It's Always Sunny admittedly went through a bit of a drought last season and quite honestly, as been in a valley of sorts ever since the first few seasons.  The show jumped the shark to an extent with last week's episode, but comedy is comedy and I'm glad it's back.  Archer, on the other hand, has always been churning out top-notch episodes.  And true to form, Archer is still going strong.

Next week is the premiere of Terra Nova, which should be the best show ever.  Imagine the producers pitching the show- "It's like Lost, Avatar, and Jurassic Park all in one."  Money was immediately thrown at them.  I eagerly await the start of this show next week and cannot wait to watch it without the slug because he is the worst.

Buzz Killington dropped the news today that there will be no kegs at the wedding, only beer bottles.  Broken glass brawls will ensue.

Throwback Thursday

This video I just rewatched and found hilarious. I believe I first saw it like five years ago, but on throwback thursday, we have to bring back things which we all used to enjoy

Djokovic vs. Nadal

First of all, congratulations to the Djoker for winning the 2011 US Open, the only other worthy winner would have been Roddick. Second, the point of this post is to state how much cooler Novak is than Rafa. Rafa Nadal sucks big dick, he wears gay man capris, and the only tournement he ever plays well in is the French Open. Sick, if the best thing I ever did in my whole life was in France, I would kill myself and my friends. But lets not spend this whole thing bashing Rafa, we also have to glorfiy Djoker, as one of my gay friends said as his 8th grade yearbook quotes, "root for your teammates not against your opponents", yea that actually happened. Novak Djokovic has an amazing nicknames in the Djoker, whoever thought of that is clever as fuck. Also he is a funny guy, he goes to interviews dressed as other players and acts like them, recently he did one as Maria Sharapova, and I'm sure she gave him dome afterwards. And even if she didnt, he has a super hot Serbian model girlfriend to fullfill his needs, and since Serbia is probably a backwards country, I am sure he owns her. But probably the best part of Djoker is his on-court demeanor, he also looks like he doesn't give a fuck, compared to Nadal freaking out all the time( and Nadal looks like the king of masturbation because his left arm is so much bigger than his right). We all know the frattiest and coolest way you can act is, looking like you aren't trying and don't give a shit about something, but actually being super good at it. As Donaghy Estates likes to quote, "Fundamentals are the crutch of the talentless", Djoker is really talented and just is a boss, kind of like Adam Dunn. He acts as if he is too cool to win majors, and that just adds to how awesome he is. This whole review comes from a person who doesn't give a shit about tennis either, so this really is just a review of the two men, and I think we can all agree Djoker is way cooler.

Djoker's serbian girlfriend

Nadal's Arm, he jerks off alot

ESPN wins

Finally, in a great turn of events, ESPN has done EXACTLY what we all wanted it to do.  First, they have moved Jim Rome is Burning from actual ESPN to ESPN2, aka the channel where all the majd shows belongs.  Who honestly watches Sportsnation?  And for even better news, they have moved Outside the Lines and Sports Reporters from Sunday morning to make room for more NFL coverage.  We have all been clamoring for this change for years.  Every time Sportscenter ends and I see Outside the Lines come on, it's like a nightmare.  You scramble for the remote and try your best to hide your eyes from their painful depictions of tragedy and intrigue in the sports world.  All I want to watch Sunday is football, not something about someone who is now an alcoholic.  Let us celebrate these great changes.

Warning: Watch out for Slugs

It gives me no joy to write this. There is an epidemic currently spreading at my school, and I must warn others. Slugs are on the rise. Warning signs: they are big mooches. They use their slugness to grab a hold of everything you like and enjoy and turn it slimy and unenjoyable. Whether it is beer, or food, or even having a great time, slugs move in and take what is not theirs. The kicker is, slugs never bring anything to the table. They never offer up anything, just mooch onto your times. And they are not fun. There are people who we all use for connections to great times, but unlike slugs, we, loyal Alcohall readers, bring the raucous. Slugs bring nothing except a slimy trail of weird jokes and comments no one enjoys. Then, like the parasite they are, reflect poorly on you when they've latched on. The other big tip-off about slugs are their abject laziness. They don't have friends so they don't do anything, and then when they can't take it anymore they latch on to you. Watch out for slugs. They sneak up on you like a disease and, like that new movie Contagion, infect you. If you're not careful, and let them progress, they will turn you and everything you love into slugs. I pray this epidemic doesn't spread. But, like a zombie apocalypse scenario, this blog is a radio and I must transmit to any other survivors and to people unaffected to sound the alarm.

This is how it starts!

Obama Hates White People

\

It's been like this since Irene

Culinary Review

Last night I had the distinct privilege of having the best late night treat I have ever encountered. Like any good American, I found myself at Wendy's after a night. And on the menu was a side option of a baked potato. Let me tell you, it was the best. Sure, my baconator was great, but this baked potato, at that stage in the game, could not have been better. They give you sour cream in this crazy tube. And also butter. Mixing it all together with the baked potato: I give it four stars. Next time you find yourself at Wendy's, treat yourself and get the baked potato. You will not regret it. It was a pleasure and an honor, and was the perfect way to close out an evening.

Thank God they acidified the sour cream

RIP Pavol Demitra

Yesterday former NHL star Pavol Demitra was killed in a tragic plane crash in Russia along with the rest of his Russian league team. I have very fond memories of playing with Pavol Dmitra, Keith Tkachuk, Al Macannis and the rest of a great St. Louis Blues team in NHL 98-2002. Those were great games populated by great teams. The powerplay of Demitra and the 100 mph slapshot of Macannis was just overpowering. Today we lost a great hockey player from my childhood, and someone I will remember when Coolpants and I would play hour long games of NHL on road trips with scores upwards of totals of 80 goals.

RIP

NHL 1998 intro: they don't make games like this anymore

10 Years Ago

10 years ago to the day, Nickelodeon played the Spongebob episode "Band Geeks" for the first time.  This episode, which brought us the delightful quote, "Is mayonaise an instrument," and Spongebob's rendition of "Sweet Victory," is appropriately remembered in the hearts of all people our age. It was truly a shining moment.   Many shows have gone significantly downhill since then, maybe even Spongebob, I cannot say personally. I will always compare the quality of a cartoon to the pinnacle of excellence that "Band Geeks" represents.

The Gargoyle

This weekend I was pleased to learn about a drinking technique known as the gargoyle. The gargoyle is only applicable when it comes to kegs, and it is essentially a less obnoxious, and more hilarious version of a keg stand. You simply crouch on top of the keg and drink out of the house while holding your other arm out in an attempt to look like a gargoyle crouching on top of a building. Doing a line of gargoyles with your friends always is hilarious, and you literally could not look funnier while doing it. Essentially a gargoyle is just another fun way for you and your friends to get drunk, and I hope Donaghy Estates enjoys doing one with me in our tuxedos at the wedding.

College Humor sucks but I needed the picture, and this Jabroni doesn't even have his keg on ice

This was just a good show

Umbrellas

When it comes to most umbrellas, the bottom line is that they make everyone look stupid.  You walk around with a T-Rex arm holding it up and end up looking like a marine in those old commercials with their sword up by their face, except you just have a shitty umbrella.  And even worse, most umbrellas you see on a college campus are the tiniest things ever.  They cover about 3/4 of your body so that when you look at your left arm, you find that its covered with water.  It's impossible to stop if you're not a baby.  Don't even get me started on the hassle of walking by people with their umbrellas- they're always at poke-you-in-the-eye-height.

I hate when that happens

In Other News

Yesterday, California beat Japan in the Little League World Series. While it's great that America won it all, no one really cares about it. If you watched more than just "Little Kids, Big Drama," the obnoxiously named daily segment on Sportscenter, then I think you should strongly consider rethinking your life. Go America, I'm okay when I say I didn't watch a second of your victory.

I'd rather watch the Sandlot

Also, in other news, Hurricane Irene hit this weekend and for most of us, all we were hit with was a hurricane of Facebook status updates. This beckons a new Facebook etiquette post.

Finally, yesterday, ex-Giant, ex-Saints, wait, he's on the Panthers now? TE Jeremy Shockey saved a choking teammate this week by punching him in the back. Some rookie tried and failed to do the Heimlich so Shockey had to jump in.

One Last Attempt to Make Preseaon Football Relevant

Tonight there is a HUGE football game on. The two teams involved in the greatest rivalry in sports are meeting on the gridiron tonight to fight for glory. It is all on the line. Oh, and now I'm being told it is a bowl game....

This is all stupid. The latest attempt to make people care about preseason football is tonight when the Jets and Giants play in their newly named "MetLife" Stadium in another meaningless game. Don't buy the hype. It is still a meaningless game against two teams that are in no way real rivals. It is all stupid. The fact that they are starting to call this annual preseason game the MetLife Bowl, and will be playing for a trophy that probably looks like this is silly:

Preseason football doesn't matter. It is what it is, and if it were treated as such I would not have any problem with it. But the fact that ESPN and the NFL keep trying to make people think these games matter is just stupid. Almost as stupid as chugging tequila just because the song "You and Tequila" comes on. All in all bad ideas. Just like convincing us, and even feeding hype to the players that will no doubt get injured trying to play too hard in a meaningless game for an even more meaningless trophy, is a bad idea. I can wait two weeks for real football. I can wait a few months for when these two teams actually meet up in a meaningful December game. So please, spare me this hype.

Getting after it: Port Republic

This weekend I had the honor and the privelege of having my first ever Port Republic Premium American Brew. What makes Port Republic so great was that it was only $11.89 at Kroger and I believe it is sold exclusively there. The beer itself tastes like PBR, but really who fucking cares about that. I was able to drink beers that were slightly over 30 cents each and had amazing cover-art. Port Republic urges its drinkers to "Sail Close to the Wind", which literally makes no sense, but I enjoyed reading it on my beers. They are trying to be classy and its working, not like Miller "Jabroni" Highlife, which Donaghy Estates loves along with all other Miller Products. So if you find yourself at Kroger, why not buy the cheapest beer there and enjoy getting drunk on some fake classyness and a shitty product, because really that is what is important and life.

We're Back!

Regular posting will resume next Monday, August 29th

For whoever still reads this:

We are taking a summer hiatus, and will come back swinging in the fall and the start of the school year. Expect more posts and an active twitter, because apparantly thats the cool thing to do. But for now, its time for summer and not blogging, because this was only set up as a medium for us four writers to talk, but now we are all home, except for Coolpants.

Shut the Fuck UP: the people who put up annoying MLK statuses after Bin Laden's Death

No one cares about how political stances on facebook or twitter, you don't have to openly publicize it. And who do you think you are? Do you think you are better than everyone because you don't care that he died, and don't want to celebrate it? He is a mass murderer and deserves to be killed, do you put that as your status when someone is sentenced to the death penalty? atleast have some consistancy. Also as a person from the New York area, my friends, family, and I were all affected by the 9/11 attacks and if you are offended by people rejoicing Osama's death, you don't even fucking know him. But the best part of this whole situation is that these quotes were wrong. Someone made them up and added them to an existing MLK quote.CNN did a report on them, and this is also nothing against MLK, he was a great man and speaker, it is just pretensious people who think they are above celebrating the death of a man who has been apart of the death of thousands of Americans. So shut the fuck up.


http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/social.media/05/03/quotes.twain.mlk/index.html?hpt=T2

This is the Best

We fucking got him. And it wasn't just a drone strike. We went into Osama's compound, guns blazing, and took that motherfucker out. Even after the special forces lost a helicopter, they persevered and were in and out, finally killing public enemy number 1. They also blew up the helicopter to not leave any information for terrorists. This is the best news ever. The American military is the best there is, and if you're a terrorist, we will find you and we will kill you. No one fucks with America. Amen.

Never Forget all those who died on 9/11, especially the 343 members of the FDNY. Finally, some justice.

These Colors Don't Run

Video of the Week

In more of a somber tone after the death of Bin Laden, this video reminds us all of 9/11 and the people who died because of Osama. Fire and Rain is perfect for the moment, and this is an amazing performance

Mission Accomplished

Unknown Fratstar

As I have already covered Jesse Palmer, I'll move to his hockey counterpart Barry Melrose. Barry Melrose is probably a way cooler person than Palmer, but is pedigree and his resume to be ESPN's go to hockey guy is probably equally as weak. Melrose played for like five seasons in the NHL, and then coached the kings for 3 years before being fired, and he was fired while Gretzky was still on the team. He then coached the lightning and was fired in mid-season in 2008. It is literally the epitome of mediocre as a professional career both on the ice and on the bench. But somehow due to enthusiam, American hockey ignorance, and the oxymoronic fratty mullet, Melrose has staked his claim as the face of hockey commentators in America,(he doesn't challenge Don Cherry). And for you readers who know who Don Cherry is, good for you. I love how ESPN shows his resume when he is talking, it is literally pathetic. There are hundreds of more qualified announcing, I personally would like to see Mike Richter or Scott Stevens get in there. But cheers Barry Melrose, you pulled it off through connections and good hair, and that is inherently fratty.

Scott Stevens is literally the man

NFL Draft Tonight

The first round is tonight (now) as you all should know.  Personally, I think Cam Newton will be horrible. But we won't get into that now

To pump you up:

Who the hell is Mel Kiper?

Best of the Best

Finally Best of the Best on Sportcenter changes from the one-legged wrestler, it has gotten old. Its a cool story, he won after overcoming a disability, thats great. We won't debate on whether or not it was an advantage or not. But the biggest problem with Best of the Best is that Bobby Ryan's goal was beaten by some stupid basketball play. That goal was so filthy, it was two dangle seshes into a goal, it did not deserve to be beaten, but now I ask you which goal was better Ryan's or Ovechkin's from a few years ago?

I personally think its Ovechkins

An American Hero

They'll look like fools!

Here are some invaluable ways to make your gullible friends look like fools.  Be careful when you use them, they will most certainly never work again.

1. "It's impossible not to get dizzy if you move your head back and forth with your mouth open" Instant classic
2. "70% of people can't touch their thumb knuckle to their bottom teeth more than 10 times without getting dizzy." Dizzy is a common theme
3. Best for last: "If you pour a closed salt shaker into your mouth, it will still taste like salt."

You'll look like him, a fool with cowboy boots and shorts

Would you like a tampon with that Summer Shandy?

While Coolpants may have beat me to the punch on talking about our new favorite seasonal beer, I think I would like to discuss the other aspects of enjoying a beer with a fruit additive. As my colleague, Donaghy Estates can atest we have both become fans of fruity beer, his is a strawberry abita, mine is summer shandy. Personally, I am not sure if there is anything questionable about it, its not like its hard lemonade, which is definitly questionable, its a delicious beer with a hint of lemonade that is perfect for summer. Sure after I drink it, I have to go hang some dry wall, watch football, and eat beef jerkey, but thats more of a personal thing. I ask all readers to seek this beer out and try it before they cast their judgements. And no I do not support Mike's hard lemonade or smirnoff ice, those are super lame and majd probably drinks those.

Summer: Limited Release

Here I am, on my last day of classes for the year.  Summer is just around the corner, right after I finish my god forsaken finals and write another term paper.  This is a crossroads folks.  We all don't have that many summers left ahead of us.

With summer comes the inevitable release of brewery's summer releases.  There's summer Magic Hat, summer Sam Adams, you name it.  But hidden in the shelves of your local store is a gem brought to you by the folks at the Leinenkugel.  Leinenkugel, a brewery I hadn't ever heard of until this past summer, releases quality beers all year round, flavored and regular.  However, every summer, their time to shine truly comes.  Each year, Leinenkugel brings us their Summer Shandy, a heavenly lemonade-beer.  It's taste is simply indescribable, you have to try it to believe it.  And to all the doubters, there is absolutely no shame in this beer.

Enjoy some Summer Shandy with the onset of your summer.  We'll all have jobs coming around the bend as school comes to a close.  We'll all be returning to wherever we call home.  But it's time to fully realize the bigger picture.  Summer Shandy shall hopefully be around to happily remind us of the approach of many summers to come, but summers soon won't have the same meaning as they do now.  They soon won't be breaks from our usual routine and will instead just be another reason to hate being at work.  Enjoy your summers, they are truly a limited release.

Snow Day: What's up with that

Recently there has been an influx of people who are really interested in the Snow Day article. I don't know what has happened in countries like Canada, Malaysia, and India but somehow people in those countries, I think, love this article. It has been the most popular one for the last week, and I'm pretty sure in no part of the world but the highest mountains is it actually snowing. I just thought people would find this amusing and funny, and after a weekend spent with the BE and Coolpants we could not figure out what the fuck is going on with this.

What is so interesting in this?

You like them

This is a clip from a fraternity at IU who really suck, and if anyone thought this is cool they also suck

P.S. this is Donaghy Estates brother fraternity

Life Lessons From Movies

Today, I present to you three more life lessons from movies:

7. "Just remember, football is 80% mental and 40% physical." 

This gem comes from the perennial favorite Little Giants, courtesy of Steve Emtman.  Obviously, the Giants needed to hear this life lesson so they could learn to beat the Cowboys.  And obviously, since its from a pro football player, it's good advice.  The lesson here is to stop getting all in your head and just focus, hit that last cup.

8. "You are defined by the company you keep and how well you keep it. Not by what you just happen to do."

I've actually impressed myself with this one.  No matter how I spin it, this is a good quote from a very surprising source.  Brink! is probably the only Disney channel original movie that everyone from this generation remembers.  I'm sure if I were to watch it now, I'll want to punch myself in the face.  But back then, it was great.  Not to mention this is a perfect segue, considering Spike from Little Giants was the lame-ass bad guy on Skater X from Brink!  Even the poster has a good quote to consider.  We here at The Alcohall strive to keep excellent company, it says a lot about you.  If you roommate's sister comes into town and is nice but particularly weird, it's alright to be worried about having to hang out with them.

9. Shoot her

It's as simple as that, don't let raptors eat your friends