The Alcohall Sells Out

For those astute readers who have noticed the new ads all over the blog, let me begin by saying that we're not sorry. The Alcohall is a fan of capitalism and we've officially sold out. We're proud to say we're now simultaneously supporters of both Christians mingling and Mormons (two of our largest advertisers).

The real reason we've decided to throw our lot in with online universities and weird health insurance companies (to name a few more) is a good reason though, something every reader can no doubt agree with: to party. Look, the sole reason we've put ads on this blog is to make money for all the authors to have a party. The more we make, the better the party we can have. Consider this our year end appeal much like NPR and PBS obnoxiously do. Only instead of claiming to save the planet and shit we're being honest: we want to party and buy alcohol. That is the foundation of this blog. So please, help us out and every time you visit the blog click on one of the ads. It will help us have a party. Every click literally buys us like half a beer--so do your part. The person who clicks the most ads will even be invited to the year end party (which is in July). Who knows, you might even find a cool piece of furniture from Bassett (who knew they were a thing?).

So please, help the Alcohall sell out and have a party. Hopefully you like reading this blog and you can help us out by just clicking on some weird ad every time you visit. Selling out: it's the American way.

Jesse Palmer strikes again

The legend of Jesse Palmer continues to grow because this year at the Pinstripe Bowl, he saved Chris Fowler's life by giving him the Heimlich Maneuver. This story is pretty hilarious on a lot of levels but more importantly you gotta admire Jesse Palmer. He is just on TV because he is a good looking guy, and now he is saving lives, he literally can do no wrong. Chris Fowler was probably stuffing his face and Jesse Palmer bruised his ribs trying to get that chicken out of him. Also I can't blame Chris Fowler for eating there, I've been to the Pinstripe Bowl and the food there is amazing. All you can eat lobster mac and cheese, sliders, sushi, chocolate strawberries, really everything you can want. I can imagine Chris Fowler was just going to town on the buffet, and was eating too fast and had too much chicken lodged in his throat. Jesse Palmer keep doing what your doing.

You do you Jesse

Also the pinstripe bowl is pretty cool, I'm a fan

Throwback Thursday

In honor of the final season of Eastbound and Down, I wanted to use one of my favorite clips as the throwback Thursday video. Some of you are saying, that ended a month ago, and more of you are probably saying that I didn't know there was another season of Eastbound and Down. Well both of you can shut up and just enjoy the video because its hilarious.

LET THE BOY WATCH

Life Lessons from Movies

We're reaching into the archives and resurrecting an old column just in time for Christmas. In this special holiday edition, I'll give you some very important life lessons you may have missed in some atypical Christmas movies.

1. The uggos and hobos of New York City can help you better appreciate your family and friends

In Home Alone 2, amidst the sadistic beatings of two burglars in an empty house under renovation, Kevin befriends a pigeon lady in the park and runs from a mutant cab driver. The pigeon lady becomes Kevin's only friend in the sea of people trying to capture him while his family is blissfully unaware of his absence. She even gives Kevin a special dove gift to remember her by. When Kevin is finally reunited with his family, his friendship with the pigeon lady has led to him to appreciate his family despite all their flaws.

2. If you have a machine gun, don't give it to the cop who is single handedly ruining your scheme.

In Die Hard, arguably the best Christmas movie, John McClane is able to fend off some terrorists even while unarmed. He takes one of their machine guns and festively informs Hans Gruber of his new deadly acquisition. He then goes on to wreck some terrorist shit and save his terrible ex-wife.



3. From the movie Screwed, don't kidnap any dogs or you'll end up with too much Danny Devito

Merry Christmas Alcohall readers, don't get Iced this Holiday season

Does anyone like A Christmas Story?

A Christmas Story is on for 24 straight hours on TBS, and I really don't get why. I do not like that movie, and I don't get what is so classic about it. It's about a kid whose life sucks and gets harassed at a mall by Santa, gets his mouth washed out with soap, and gets his tongue stuck to a pole. There is a weird scene involving a fishneck stocking leg lamp, and its just a fucking weird movie. The Grinch, It's Wonderful Life, Home Alone 1 and 2, and Elf are all way better than A Christmas Story, and it is no in way deserving a 24 hour marathon. I ,for one, will be boycotting TBS. I don't watch TBS anyway but I will be specifically avoiding it. Yes, Donaghy Estates reminded me that they say fragile as a foreign word in A Christmas Story, which is hilarious. But that alone can not save that movie for me. Also just for the record Red Ryders are sweet and I want one for Christmas this year, and another controversial opinion, Home Alone 2 is way better than the original. There, I said it.

Ok this is funny, you got me

Christmas Hoops

I can't color myself as much of a basketball fan, but come playoff time, I watch my share of games and I certainly play rock paper scissors to decide who's going to win. If you have watched any Sportscenter or ESPN in the last week then you have undoubtedly seen commercials announcing the Christmas Day basketball games. And if you've noticed, they are going to be very disappointing.

I'm sure the executives of the NBA were psyched this summer when they made this schedule. The two NYC basketball teams are surefire locks for good games, right?! Right? No way can D-Rose get hurt again, that would be ridiculous. And those Lakers, Kobe will be back in time so surely it will be a good game. He's getting paid 48 million in the next two years so he has to play. It's sad that the Rockets-Spurs game and the Clippers-Warriors game are by far and away the top ones of the day. Come Christmas tomorrow, we are all going to be missing some actual football to save our afternoons.

Guilty Pleasure of the Week

In my first edition of Guilty Pleasure of the week, I want to write about a new top 40 jam that I listened to four times on my commute to work today, (all on the radio, two in the morning, two at night). I think most of you are thinking this is "Timber", but that's not a guilty pleasure, that is just a good song. The guilty pleasure of the week is "Stay the Night" by Zedd. Stay the Night features Hayley Williams who was in Paramore. I'm sure if this blog existed in 2007 CoolPants would blog about how much he loved Paramore. Regardless of that, this is a good song that is super catchy and is blowing up right now. I don't know who Zedd is but he can keep doing what he is doing, and it makes my commute a tiny bit better.  So, here is the guilty pleasure of the week: Enjoy, and if you don't like it, suck it.

Is Hayley Williams hot? I'll leave that to you guys

Simply Disagreeing

I'd like to start this week with a very controversial pseudo-opinion: Wonderful Christmastime is simply the best Christmas song. No other song can generate as much buzz as this one.

All other Christmas songs are fine and dandy, they play on the radio and you listen contently. Sometimes you will find yourself singing along or tapping your feet. But when Wonderful Christmas song comes on, you either rush to the radio and desperately seek out a new station ala Jack and Diane or you leave it on and belt out the inimitably contagious chorus. No other Christmas song has caused such strongly passionate opinions. That's not even mentioning the niche it fills as the most popular Christmas jingle featuring a synthesizer. Nor does it take into account that a revered songwriter wrote this gem of a tune in several minutes and cashed in on some serious fat stacks.

Including royalties from cover versions, it is estimated that Paul McCartney makes $400,000 a year from this song, which puts its cumulative earnings at near $15 million.

Apparently, the likes of Hillary Duff and the Shins have covered this song as well.

A Corporate Christmas

Don't be fooled by this post's title, I am in no ways railing against a Christmas holiday season that is growing ever more corporate. Who the fuck cares about that kind of thing?

No, what I am talking about is the Christmas season in corporate America, and the minefield of dilemmas it creates. Sure, we all know and have heard about the perils of work Christmas parties...but anyone who can hold their liquor should be fine in that situation. The least you should do, as Donaghy Estates has taught us, is keep your tie tight and you'll look much more sober. The thing is, everyone is drunk at these things so as long as you stay one step below the drunkest person you're good to go. It's sort of an arms race, but in this one you want to lose by one.

Here's the big issue with Christmas in the working world though: gifts. And the biggest dilemma surrounding gifts is who do you get them for? Do you get them for your boss? Or will you look like a suck-up? Or is that just protocol and you have to? I don't have the answers to these. If you do please comment. One thing I do know is you don't want to be the guy who gets a present from someone and doesn't give one in return. That's just basic manners. Case (literally) in point, I just received 2 cases of Budweiser as a holiday gift from a VP. Awesome I know, but do I give a return gift? What would I even get someone that makes 5 times as much as me? Just a card? Also I'm anticipating sneak attack gifts  from people I didn't even consider. The weird random people of the office. For those people I should probably have a few cards on hand with gift cards in them.

The holidays are a wonderful time, but this much thought should not have to be put into avoiding looking like both a mean jerk and a huge suck-up. But that's a real fine line to walk at work.

Shut the Fuck Upworthy

Upworthy.com has been infiltrated and taken over our collective Facebook newsfeeds lately. This website that seems to only host videos of things "that matter" is everyone's idea of what should be posted. People who post these videos need to shut up.

If you don't believe me, take a gander at what's on their homepage. It's either something about self esteem, sick children, or how everything you need in this world cannot be bought. Some of these may be made up and admittedly some of these things may be important concepts, but I do not want to see these videos posted non-stop. My newsfeed is for browsing through funny pictures and what not, it's not to be bombarded by click-bait videos that make me feel bad about myself or inspired to greatness. The more I think about it, the more Upworthy.com just seems like a Buzzfeed that takes itself WAY too seriously. Please do us all a favor and stop posting these videos on Facebook so the rest of us do not have to scroll mindlessly past them, and stop thinking that showing the world these videos which you neither created nor have any attachment to makes you better than the rest of us. Please shut up, Upworthy.com

Post things like this on Facebook instead

Paul Rudd Trolls Conan

I know this story has been making its rounds recently, but that's because its hilarious. Paul Rudd has been playing the same clip to promote his upcoming movies on Conan for around ten years now. In the video, you know its coming every time and its still really funny. In terms of promoting Anchorman 2, the Ron Burgundy stuff is a little overdone and I'm skeptical of that movie even coming close to the first one, but Paul Rudd is definitely going to be doing his part.

New Christmas classics 3-1

On Monday I posted my bottom three songs, and here are the top 3.

3. Michael Buble

This is unfair because its not a song and an artist, but Michael Buble RUNS Christmas. Can anyone name an original song by Michael Buble? No. He only makes Christmas music and thats all he is known for. He dominates modern Christmas, and has like three Christmas albums that middle aged women can't get enough of. He also reminds me of the SNL sketches with Robert Goulet, and most of the time when I say his name I say it mimiking Will Ferrell on SNL. Does Buble deserve to win? Absolutely not but you gotta respect the game because he does modern Christmas better than anyone, and if there is one thing we support at the Alcohall it is making your living by exploiting the one thing you are good at (see Jesse Palmer).

2. Santa Clause is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen.

I know many of you were expecting this to be the winner, but it loses a lot of points for not being a modern song, which is the point of the poll. It was thrown on here because it is probably the best song, and out of respect for the departed Clarence Clemons. It does not get much better than when the Big Man acts as Santa in this song. RIP. Clarence we miss you already, and this song is really amazing. Also Bruce is phenomenal when he talks at the beginning.

1. Baby its Cold Outside (Elf Version)

And the winner is Zooey Deschannel and her rendition of Baby It's cold outside. Elf is as close as we are going to come to a modern Christmas classic, and it is has got to be considered a top ten Christmas movie of all time. Zooey Deschannel is the best, and I think most of the Alcohall writing staff loves her. And just try and act like you don't like this video.

So there is my take, there is about a zero percent chance that this is how the vote turns out, and I am open to rebuttals from the other authors.

Paul Walker: 1973-2013

On November 30th, 2013, the world lost a great actor in a tragic fiery crash. Paul Walker and his former professional racer friend crashed their Porsche in what may be the most ironic death in years. In spite of the irony, we must look back on the life Paul Walker led and how it affected us all.

Way back when, I saw Varsity Blues and The Fast and Furious and frankly, I wasn't impressed. Paul Walker was just another actor that you couldn't pick out of a police line up. However, much like Justin Timberlake and Leo, I've come to appreciate him more and more. The Fast and Furious series, heading into its 7th movie next year, is a fantastic franchise. I could not pick a better movie to watch on a hungover Saturday morning. These movies are not only great flicks of cars and heists, but they are reasons for us all to drop the cynical and jaded movie critic perspective. Sure, sometimes its fun to shoot down a new movie like a Pitchfork critic does to any mainstream album. But the act gets old after so long that we need movies like The Fast and Furious to simply entertain us. And at the heart of them all was Paul Walker, leader of a ragtag band of impossibly talented car drivers, capable of taking down entire police departments and ex-Special Forces villains.

Let us all remember Paul Walker for being a cool guy, apparently a humanitarian, and most importantly, the main character in The Fast and the Furious. Once an undercover FBI agent, he gave it all up for some car racing friends and started something even Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson couldn't stop. Also, Paul Walker was the name of my boss fantasy football team that won me a championship, so he's got that going too.

This one is for you

Favorite New Christmas Classic? Deacon's 6-4 rankings

In our new poll we are voting on our favorite new Christmas classic, so in reverse order I give you my list and my reasons.

6. All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey

Coming in last place is the only good song Mariah Carey has ever made. Mariah Carey is pretty much the worst now, she is married to Nick Cannon of All That fame and she made a terrible movie called Glitter. This song is probably the favorite of every girl who is currently between 18-28 and has become very overplayed and just obnoxious. This song should be ranked higher because it is an original and not a remake, but I can't bring myself to do it.

5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by DMX

Although coming in at number 5, this video is incredible. Darkman X just spittin Rudolph and throwing in some "COME ON, COME ON"s is just one of the best videos that have ever been made. I will laugh every time when at the beginning he screams " I KNOW THE LYRICS". This is just one of the rare videos that go down in history as possibly the greatest ever. What puts DMX at number 5 is how short the song is, and the lack of dog barks.

4. Merry Christmas (Happy Holidays) by N Sync

With a strong fourth place finish we get immortal boy band N Sync. With talents like Joey Fatone its hard to not rank this song higher, but in reality, its just not that good. It gets some credit for being an original song, but that can only take you so far. Really this song is just hilarious, and if you don't laugh at how hilarious the video is, then I don't know what to say to you.

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The rest of the rankings will come out tomorrow.

The Seahawks

At the end of the 2010 NFL season, and the very beginning of The Alcohall, the Seattle Seahawks were 7-9. They were not good. AND YET--somehow--they made the playoffs. Fast forward to 2013 and the Seahawks are the best team in the National Football League. In just three seasons they went from being a team who had no business being in the playoffs to a team who is super good. The only two teams they have lost to are playoff teams and they lost both games by less than a touchdown. Super good. Not only are they now a really good team, but they are a much more likable team. Back when they made the playoffs at 7-9, nobody liked them and no one in their right mind thought they belonged in the playoffs. Now, they're good and with that much more respectable. Everyone likes Marshawn Lynch, and Russell Wilson is awesome. The next Deion Sanders. Golden Tate has gotta be cool, his name is Golden. 3 years ago they had Matt Hasselbeck and were bad. They were a bigger joke than the one Pete Carroll played on USC. A lot has changed in three years for the better, so good for the Seahawks. A lot has changed here at the Alcohall too. Three years ago we were an upstart blog run by drunk college students. Now we're a blog run by older, wiser, drunk college graduates. Like the Seahawks we've improved. Unlike the Seahawks, who kept their ugly terrible uniforms, we've re-branded to be classier. The Alcohall is like Marshawn Lynch, better with age and glad we don't play for the Bills.

What is he looking at?

Ladies and Gentleman,

After a long hiatus, The Alcohall is back. The writers here have learned a lot in our travels and many things have changed since we last posted, Obama won re-election and cool ranch doritos tacos are now at taco bell, to name a few. The Alcohall was created so we could keep each other updates on funny articles and events, and provide our take on them. Like Stella, I hope we soon get our grove back, and welcome to the new Alcohall.






PS the Alcohall is pro-dinosaur

STAY TUNED