Two Time Superbowl Champ

So much swagger, he's a swagger hound

Flashback

The goals from center ice are ridiculous

Seinfelds still got it

This is from Jimmy Fallon's show and I think he's still got it. The French King thing is on point

Hilarious Wes Welker Videobomb

One Giant Loss

Snow Days: Redux

It's that time of year again, the time when snow is threatening and everyday life grinds down to a halt. In the south, snow days are things of myth, much like good tasting vodka and slugs with friends. But then they do happen, or they are supposed to happen according to the weather, they bring about ambivalence.

It's nice of course to have an extra day off. It's great that today, Tuesday, feels like a Sunday. However, it's tragic that it isn't a Sunday, there isn't a football game to watch. There is only crappy daytime TV, like Judge Mathis. I'm not hating on Mathis, but I'm looking for some actual entertainment. And much like you may have read in my original tirade against snow days, you only get one day off. You can't party hardy all night because you have real life the next day. And you can hardly hang out with anyone because no one is willing to drive when the rest of the population turns into Asian women actively searching for a car to hit. Snow days, while great in theory, really aren't all they used to be and are totally overstated by Nickelodeon. They're like a marathon of Sports Science if you think about it.

Arrests made in 1978 Lufthansa Heist

In one of the more ridiculous stories I have heard recently, five mobsters were arrested with ties to the famed Lufthansa Heist of 1978. What makes this ridiculous, is that every male in America from the ages of 18-50 know who are responsible for the Lufthansa Heist it was fucking Jimmy the Gent (De niro) and Henry Hill (Ray Liotta), it is literally the main plot piece in Goodfellas, which is a movie I have approximately 100 times.  Literally they have an explicit scene in the movie going over the plan.

You can watch it right here, what the fuck happened here? Did the cops just get around to watching Goodfellas? Was there not enough evidence? Goodfellas is a classic that shit is definitely admissible in court, also just give me one holiday weekend, and I'll be your expert weekend. This is just off the top of my head here, but Stax gets shot in the head by Joe Pesci, the fat guy gets killed in his pink cadillac, and the other guy with the weird eye brows gets killed and put in a meat truck, also someone is put into a dumpster and the garbage men find him. Boom, I have evidence on the scenes of the crime for all these guys, what the fuck took so long. Whatever, Jimmy the Gent died like twenty years ago a long with Ray Liotta's career. These guys are old as dirt and I hope the cops enjoyed themselves.

This is one of my favorite scenes in movie history, throw this up there with the chariot scene in gladiator and the roof scene in Shawshank, and you might have the three best ever

NFL draft game

With the NFL season winding down with only the meaningless pro bowl and a potential very good Super Bowl, it's never too early to start thinking about the NFL draft. I am a huge fan of the draft and I follow mock drafts throughout the year. I think its awesome, and we used to have special draft get togethers involving cake and pizza, which no one can disagree with. I think its incredible that Mel Kiper has made a whole career around the NFL draft, even though he isn't even that good of an analyst -see Erasmus James. I am not sure why I Erasmus James is my go to example for Mel Kiper sucking but it is. In one of my first drafts, Kiper was touting James, and he blew as an NFL player, so whatever my point has been made. Anyway, I found this mock nfl draft creator online and its an incredible time waster.
So for any of you bored people out there, check out NFL Draft or http://fanspeak.com/ontheclock/start_draft.php, if you are wasting time at work or just bored at home. This is a fun thing to to do, and I hope you enjoy.

Who the hell is Mel Kiper?

I'd watch this movie

Happy Birthday Warden

(24 shots)
(24 shots)
(24 shots)
(24 shots)

24 shots, and we'll take that ride
'Cross three lanes to the other side
24 shots, cut through the night
You're trying to keep up
And the red Volvo is out of sight

Is it a sword, is it a rope
You killed Kirk Fogg, you stupid dope
It ain't no secret (it ain't no secret)
It ain't no secret (it ain't no secret)
No secret my friend
You get killed by a car at the movie's end

(24 shots)
(24 shots)
(24 shots)
(24 shots)

24 shots, Marion gets her son ready for school
She says, "On these streets, Warden
You've got to understand the rules
If an officer stops you, and you're laying in the grass
Just wave to show you're not drunk
Promise Mama you won't be kicked out of class"

Is it a sword (is it a sword), is it a rope (is it a rope)
You killed Kirk Fogg (you killed Olmec too), you stupid dope (you stupid dope)
It ain't no secret (it ain't no secret)
It ain't no secret (it ain't no secret)
No secret my friend
You get killed by a car at the movie's end

(24 shots)

Happy Malt Liquor King Weekend

Finally, the first three day weekend of the year is upon us. And rightfully so, the weekend will undoubtedly be full of celebration. We at the Alcohall would like to present the 1st Annual Malt Liquor King Weekend.

If you are lacking inspiration this weekend or have free time, here's a game to play fitting of the the holiday. Malt Liquor King is a simple game revolving around chugging malt liquor and bossing around your friends. The first player to finish their malt liquor becomes the King and can issue a "Dream Power" to the other players. This power can be anything of their choosing, but it should be along the lines of "I have a dream that you must march around the room looking for a hidden bottle of liquor and drink some if you can't find it." This can be with or without a box. Once the next player has finished their malt liquor, they can challenge the King to shotgun a beer or race to drink shots. If they win, the challenging player becomes King.

Japanese buy Beam and Makers Mark

So its official, two of the most American products there are, are no longer American. I am honestly not sure how to feel about this, as I look at it two ways. One is that the fucking Japanese don't know shit about Bourbon, and these guys are pissing on tradition and pride and selling out, and disgracing American individualism and this drink that is so important to our culture. But two, is there anything more American than capitalism? These guys made a fucking ton of money on this deal. They were able to get a 25% premium on their stock price, and are now going to be sitting pretty for the rest of their lives. So for any of you guys who choose option one, just buy a different kind of Bourbon, if you are a classy fucker go get Woodford Reserve, and if you don't give a fuck just buy Evan Williams or some shit. And if take the cold-hearted capitalism approach, you are probably buying Evan Williams anyway because that shit is cheap.

PS At Woodford, they charge you 7 bucks for a tour and one free taster of Bourbon, that's a fucking rip-off, never going back there again. How about that for supply and demand Adam Smith?

 Bill Murray in Lost in Translation is the new spokesman

For anyone unhappy with the level of patriotism, here is Reagan with a rifle on Air Force One

Giants hire Ben McAdoo as Offensive Coordinator

So the Giants have announced they are hiring former Packer's quarterback coach to the position of OC replacing the retired(probably forced out) Kevin Gilbride. I am happy about this change, and am very happy the Giants didn't get a retread like Mike Sullivan. I think the Giants should have modeled themselves more like the Packers and spread themselves out with 4 receiver packages and shorter throws to their talented wide receivers. The Packers don't have a good offensive line, and are still able to win games, while the Giants stick with the same offensive that requires complicated timing routes and power running. Hopefully some new blood will help Eli return to form, and utilize the Cruz, Jernigan, Randle tandem well. Also McAdoo was the Fairfield University in 2002, so he has a CT connection. Did anyone know that Fairfield had a football team? That is really my question.

So congratulations Ben McAdoo and I wish you all the best.


 

Doesn't this guy look like former punter Jeff Feagles with hair?

I know how you feel Buddy

He ate what?

Apparently while Larry Bird was injured for a few weeks late in his career, he proverbially put Twinkies on his pizza and ate more than half a dozen wedding cakes.

"I was so bored, I'd set around the house, drive my wife crazy, and eat and eat. In two and a half weeks I was off I ate ten gallons of ice cream and seven weddin' cakes. Why them? I ate weddin' cakes 'cause you knew they was gonna be good. I mean, who would [eff] up a weddin' cake?"

NFL Divisional Round Predictions

Time to try my hand at these predictions. After Deacon failed miserably last week with a paltry 1-3, I'm going to break the Alcohall curse and take the NFL playoffs head on.

Saints at Seahawks, Saturday at 4:35 PM EST
First things first, the Seahawks win. The Saints did pull off a win on the road last week, but they won't be repeating it. The Seahawks are a more complete and consistent team than the Saints, and like they did earlier in the season, will beat up on Brees and his buddies. However, this one will be closer than there last blowout. Legion of Boom gets the victory despite Sean Payton painting the Seahawk's logo on the Saint practice field, Seahawks win 24-13

Colts at Patriots, Saturday 8:15 PM EST
This one will go down in history folks. It's a rainy night in MA, and Andrew Luck is coming to town. The Colts may be dome dudes, but Luck and his team will step up their game and take it to Brady. Donald Brown will have a monster game and embarrass his colleague Trent Richardson once again. Forget it Brady, it's Lucky Town, Colts win 31-24

49ers at Panthers, Sunday 1:05 PM EST
I predict the 49ers bounce back from their regular season loss to the Swampcats and smoke them. The Panthers have weakened on offence since they last played, and the 49ers have gained weapons and have superior coaching on their side. The 49ers will win this one big despite some late Panther scores 28-16

Chargers at Broncos, Sunday 4:40 PM EST
Wow, what a shootout. The Broncos and their fearless Manning leader will overcome the curse of 6 seeds vs. the top seed and prove their playoff mettle. Peyton Manning will launch the ball for an obscene amount of yards as the Broncos go on to beat Rivers' Chargers despite some San Diego scoring 45-24

Kevin Gilbride Retires

In that regard, Mara was glad that Gilbridge elected to retire instead of the Giants possibly having to make a decision to let him go after a down season.
“He retired,” Mara said, “and fortunately it didn’t come to any situation where he had to be forced out.”

Point Break

So the buzz going around the internet is that Gerard Butler, of such movies as 300 and White House Down, is going to be starring as legendary Bodie (Bodhi on wikipedia, but grow up) in the upcoming remake of the cult classic Point Break. This role was made famous by the late and great Patrick Schwayze, who was the blonde haired leader of a band of surfers/extreme athletes who doubled as the dead presidents and robbed banks for the adrenaline rush. Point Break is a classic with a young Keaanu Reeves playing former football star turned FBI agent, Johnny Utah, and had Gary Busey as his experienced and crazy partner. This movie is incredible and if you haven't seen it, but make fun of it, get your shit together. It was directed by Kathryn Bigelow, who would later get an Oscar for the Hurt Locker, and her work showed in the great scene where they go skydiving. But all this buzz is about how Gerard Butler should not play Bodie, he can't measure up with Schwayze, but realistically can anyone? The answer is no, but i'll give you my casting list.

 Taylor Kitsch aka Tim Riggins will be my first choice to play Bodie. Kitsch was supposed to be a big start after Friday Night Lights, but he was in two of the biggest bombs ever, John Carter and Battleship. Being in Point Break is the jump start he needs to achieve everything Tim Riggins dreamed of. Runner up for the role: Chris Hemsworth, Garrett Hedlund, and Chris Pratt

And for Johnny Utah, we get Channing Tatum. You can't abandon what worked in the original Point Break. A guy who repeatedly had a dumb look on his face. Look at Channing Tatum, he looks like in that photo and routinely plays someone who is dumb, reminds me a little of Keanu Reeves.  Runner up- JGL, the guy who played Jason Street

 

Yep  pretty dumb

Does it get any better than Schwayze in Red Dawn? RIP

Better know an Olympian

With the Olympics coming up, we were interested in finding out some more about some of the Americans going to the games. So we will be doing some brief bios on some Olympians who you should be keeping an eye out for come February.

Curling:

Before we get started, I think its important to note that the US Men's Olympic Curling team qualified for Sochi a month ago with a big win at a competition in Germany, apparently it was a winner goes to the Olympics final where our boys beat the Czech Republic, proving they have the grit to win in big games. So thankfully we have a team at the games, whose honorary captain is Vernon Davis which is just awesome. 

The team is a real hodge-podge of characters, a brief bio was found at olympictalk.nbc.com

"John Shuster, the 31-year-old is the manager of Pickwick Restaurant & Pub in Duluth, Minn. He’ll be joined in Sochi by his vice skip, two-time Olympian Jeff Isaacson, a science teacher from Gilbert, Minn. The team also includes first-time Olympians John Landsteiner, a 23-year-old engineer from Duluth, and Jared Zezel, a 22-year-old Bemidji State student."

They've got wily veterans, young guns bringing that first Olympics enthusiasm, all of their name's begin with J they've got the makings of legends. For our bio we'll take age before beauty and have a look at the youngest team member, Jared Zezel:

J-Z at first glance seems like a pretty standard guy, his twitter @JaredZezel04 has a similar look to that of Colin Kaepernicks (when he was still a backup), some pictures of kittens, some pictures with his girlfriend (sorry ladies), and some tweets about his geographical location. He seems to have the self confidence of a much older curler, which should serve him well in Sochi.

Strengths: Granite jaw, has more followers on Twitter and people he's following (a true sign of celebrity), and he follows John Daly on Twitter.

Weaknesses: We all know that the Russians have a history of using beautiful women to seduce powerful foreigners, and that coupled with the revelations at the London games for the amount of sex that happens in the Olympic village, I think J-Z is a likely target for sexual espionage. Being a young gun on the big stage for the first time (with high expectations), he'll be an easy target for a honeypot trap. Is he strong enough to tell his girlfriend he just had a five-way with four Russian supermodel spies in the morning, and still land the clinching stone to take gold from the Soviets in the gold medal game? I'm sure we'll find out.

Overall: He's the spark-plug that this team needs to go all the way, he hasn't been beaten down by the curling buracracy for as long as the captains, so if they start to lose faith, J-Z along with John Landsteiner (Jamie Lanister) will remind them why they fell in love with the game in the first place. 

Archer Vice

With less than a week until the premiere of season 5 of Archer, it has been announced to expect big changes next Monday. Apparently, the one and only writer of the show got bored with the espionage setting and switched it to be about a drug cartel. Essentially, it will be a brand new show just with the same characters and character dynamics.

Such a radical change of premise is unheard of in popular television shows, but you can't say it's entirely unreasonable given what we've come to expect from Archer. It has been assured, however, that the running Danger Zone joke will continue as the gang heads to South America "to sell a ton of cocaine."

Twitter Tuesday

So this Tuesday, and recently I just started following a bunch of people on twitter so that I would have more things to occupy myself while at work. I'd like to recommend a new twitter account that I started following Yesterday. The account is @hiddenwaldo "Where's Waldo". Its literally a Where's Waldo twitter account and every few hours it just tweet outs a picture from one of the where's waldo books. Its an incredible waste of time, which is the point of twitter anyway. I'll see the picture and spend a few minutes of my boring work day trying to find waldo on my phone. So worth it, I loved the Where's Waldo books as a kid, and now they are back in a way I can enjoy them the most. This one is 100% worth your time, they aren't annoying and only tweet out pictures. Sure you will look like an idiot starring so intently at your phone looking for Waldo, but in reality you will probably look an idiot on your phone anyway, and at least this way you are enjoying yourself. So @hiddenwaldo thank you very much.

This is one I did earlier, pretty graphic, I didn't know Waldo was in the Last Samurai

Winter Olympics Is Coming

I think the Olympics are just about the greatest thing in the world. I love cheering for Americans I don't know, doing things of a difficulty I definitely don't appreciate, for the glory of the our country. I have no doubt that the Alcohall will provide our readers with extensive coverage of the Sochi Games (February 7-23 on the NBC family of networks). But I'd like to start off our coverage with this

Courtesy of growltiger on tumblr

and then, perhaps even more exciting, this...



http://www.cbssports.com/nhl/eye-on-hockey/24400375/photo-labatts-unveils-beer-cans-with-usa-olympic-jerseys-on-them

Get excited

Breaking the Bank

I'm not sure how many of you follow the finances of lower slash middle tier Men's clothing stores but there has been some crazy shit going on between Jos A Banks and Men's Warehouse. Back in November, Jos A Banks, which is smaller, made a huger power move and tried to buy Men's Warehouse. Men's Warehouse in turn channeled their inner  Moe Greene, and said, "You don't buy me out, I buy you out" and turned the table in what is actually known as the Pac-Man defense, that's true look it up, and offered to buy out Jos A Bank, who rightfully denied those smug assholes at MW and said, "we do not like the way we look"(that was a terrible joke, but had to be made). Jos A Bank turned them down, and then yesterday in an even bigger hardo move, Men's Warehouse starts the procedures to launch a hostile takeover of Jos A Bank. Who the fuck do they think they are? I fucking love Jos A Bank,and the point of this is to defend them, and hope Men's Warehouse doesn't lay their greasy hands all over the amazing deal machine that is the bank. I don't care that the clothes are overpriced and they have absurd deals that are buy 1 get 8 free. I like those deals and I abuse them. I actually went there on a buy one get two free deal with two other people, and we all paid twenty bucks for shirts. What a fucking steal, you can't pull that shit at Men's Warehouse On Black Friday, they forgot to take all their early morning deal signs down, and I abused the shit out of that privilege. Again all of these reasons are probably why they might get bought out, but still I am on the side of the Bank here. Fuck you Men's Warehouse. Jos A Bank, don't be like the Alcohall and sell out, I need you to buy medium quality clothes for ridiculous deals, don't make me set foot in men's warehouse.

Can't beat these fucking deals

I wore  Jos A Bank suite to my brothers wedding, and damn did I look good

Deacon takes on Wildcard Weekend: Sunday Games

Well here we are, my wildcard weekend prediction part two, for the early game on Sunday we have:

Chargers at Bengals

This one is very easy for me to call, Philip Rivers is a fucking douche bag and the Giants 100% won the Eli for Rivers draft trade. That is all; Bengals win

Guy is such a tool

And for the main event:

49ers at Packers

The 49ers are one of the hottest teams in the NFL, but the Packers are riding high having just beaten the Bears to make the playoffs with the triumphant return of Aaron Rodgers, who is coming off a broken collarbone and recent rumors that he is gay. I think this is a terrible matchup for the Packers as Kaepernick has absolutely shredded the Packers in his career. Last year he ran for a record number of yards for a QB in the postseason and he beat them again this year. I think this one is the 9ers going away. Also Green Bay, what the fuck is up with you guys? Along with Indy, you might have a local blackout of the game because no one is going to the game. I thought this was supposed to be the "Real America's Team"; Get your shit together.

I think this is hilarious, Kaep is identical to Disney's Megamind

Deacon takes on Wildcard weekend: Saturday Edition

So this Saturday, the NFL playoffs start and my Giants are out, so I enter as a somewhat objective observer.

For the first game we have Chiefs at Colts.

First, Indianapolis has some of the worst fans in the country, no one gives a shit about the team, and they treated Peyton like shit when he left, but really no one even cared about the Colts before he got there. Also when they got Luck, they acted as if they had never been good before when they were probably the best regular season team consistently for almost 20 years. And to add to my point this game almost was blacked out, and took a late intervention to prevent that.

I take the Chiefs winning, and Walrus Andy Reid to advance to the next round.

Second game: Saints at Eagles

I hate the Eagles, they are my least favorite team. I think probably everyone will pick the Eagles because everyone thinks the Saints suck on the road, which I learned on Mike and Mike isn't actually true, and is just a common thought used by lazy sports pundits. Well guess what? I am exactly a lazy sports pundit, gotta pick the Eagles, plus its gonna be like ten degrees in Philly, Jimmy Graham looks like a naked mole rat and will freeze and shrivel up.

Ok fine, not the best comparison but you get my point. He is a weird looking guy

Guilty Pleasure of the Week

My guilty pleasure for this week is something I found myself doing quite often at the dumb open bar thing I went to on New Year's Eve, and that is drinking my mixed drink out of the stupid straw/stirrer thing. I know you look like a big dumb idiot drinking out of those things, and you literally get no liquid and it takes forever to drink from. But I do it all the time. If I try and drink out of the cup, I always hit my face on the fucking lime. so I settle for the stupid stirrer thing. I don't care about being Don Draper, and sipping a fine cocktail out of a decanter, but mainly I don't want lime juice all over my face. So cheers to all the people who say fuck it and drink out of the straw. Also why does every drink have lime in it?




PS. apparently drinking out of a straw gets you drunker or faster- Look it up